Step 4 - Replacing denial with truth

I’ve spent most of my life very conscious of the fact that my father and mother gave me a name that was clean, and my job in this life was to keep it that way. That meant not doing anything to dishonor my parent’s names or the name they gave me. Most of the outside world thinks I have succeeded. Unfortunately, contrary to popular belief, what others think of us is of very little importance and has no part in truth.

As I said once, I am a good actress. That is a trait I share with many addicts. But unlike many addicts, I’m good enough and my addiction has been so well hidden, that I’ve managed to fool the world, while secretly damning myself. The only way I was fooling myself was that I didn’t recognize my problem as an addiction, only as sin.

The apostle John said “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). Perhaps that was my saving grace. I saw myself as drowning in sin. But because I saw myself as hopeless, help was beyond my reach. Had God not placed me in the room with the group a year ago, I’d be drowning still.

The denial I had to deal with was that I had an addiction. I fought that with all my heart. I clung to my sin and damnation. I at least recognized that. But an addiction would take some of my precious guilt away and I wasn’t able to give that up. It was all I had left. Giving up my guilt meant giving up my power, though it was actually pretty useless.

So I sat in the group, silent for months, waiting until I could accept that I was an addict. And I sat and wished that my addiction was alcohol or drugs or smoking – those where physical addictions that made sense. Mine was a black hole in my soul. How could I ever open up? How could I ever cleanse the festering wounds?

We are never asked to name our addiction in the group. That is left up to us. But when I finally opened my mouth, it all came pouring out: years of pain and tears and embarrassment and humiliation. John was speaking of gospel truth when he said “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8: 32) but that night I understood that scripture in a whole different way. There was a freedom that I gained that night that only truth can bring. Now, that doesn’t mean that all problems are solved. There are members of my group that have lost their families. Their children and other members still don’t trust them – are still convinced that they haven’t changed and never will. I don’t know how long it will take to prove themselves and win back that trust or if they ever will. But honesty opens the door. The lies are gone and the secrets destroyed. And even in their sorrow, they find hope.

Truth brings healing and hope. It doesn’t make everything miraculously right. Sometimes there is too much pain. Sometimes people won’t forgive you. But God will. And with that hope, we can overcome anything – with His help.