Step 3 - Becoming as a child

I don’t know about you, but childhood was not the best time of my life. Well, to be accurate, something about my childhood scared the memory right out of me. So “becoming as a child” holds about the same feeling for me as asking my mother, who was extremely claustrophobic, to spend the night in a coffin would have had for her.

Although that isn’t entirely true.

I don’t have many memories of my childhood and just trying to think back gives me panic attacks but there were some precious times. Somehow, with my immediate family, it was safe to be a child. It was with the entire rest of the world that childhood was hell. But even as an adult, there were times when I needed my mother’s arms around me, just to feel safe. Still, other than with my immediate family, becoming vulnerable again is not a pleasant concept.

Unfortunately, once I finally allowed myself to start feeling again, I experienced a lot of anger and much of it was directed at God. That was accompanied by a lot of guilt, because as angry as I was, I still believed in Him and knew that anger was really the wrong emotion to be throwing out at the Creator of the Universe and my Heavenly Father. And just let anyone else say anything bad about Him and it broke my heart. Again, I was one huge dichotomy.

So how do I become a child again – given that I am willing?

• One thing about a child is that they don’t hold grudges. Rain turns to sunshine quickly and forgiveness is only a smile away.
  
• A child trusts implicitly. It is as we grow older that we question whether daddy’s arms will still be there when we jump.
  
• A child loves naturally. Adults teach the child prejudice and fear.
  
• A child submits to the will of the parents. It is as we grow that we become more self-aware and put our wants above our parents will. Sometimes that leads to growth, sometimes to disaster. But then, our parents aren’t perfect.

Other than my grandparents (and I've finally resolved my feelings there), I can’t hold a grudge to save my life. I guess it’s partially because of my lack of memory. Go away for a day and I’ll forget we ever had a problem. Go away for a year and I’ll probably forget I knew you. Sigh.

Okay, trust is my biggest problem, but I am working on that one. So let’s put a big checkmark here and keep coming back to it.

Love is actually one area I do well in. I find it easy to love people. It wasn’t always that way. I didn’t let myself feel anything, let alone love. But now, I find there are very few people I don’t care about.

Submitting to the will of God – sigh – back to the trust issue. I’m really trying. I keep making changes – adjusting as I go along. I hope that God has patience because I haven’t gotten this one right yet.

At least I’m trying. It’s strange; it still comes down to fairies. I am arriving at the point that I can believe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. I understand that to give me agency means to give everyone agency and I’ve come to believe that angels truly were protecting me during the darkest times. Given the sensitivity of my spirit, I would not have survived if they hadn’t been there. But it still comes back to that horrible childhood fear when my magical world of fairies was destroyed.

Still, if I can learn to believe my own spiritual moments of testimony and my own experiences, then maybe I can make the leap of faith and finally trust their love for me and their reality enough to submit my life to their will.

It’s really strange: I know. Now I just have to believe.