Well, I had just finished off Step Three, deciding that I was going to Trust in God. Now, that wasn't easy for me to decide. If you've read all my entries, you know that. Yet I made that decision in good faith, knowing it was necessary to my life. So I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised that this last week was a bit of a trial.
It started last Tuesday when I suddenly found myself in a restroom I didn't recognize and I couldn't remember where I was or how I got there. Luckily, the confusion only lasted a couple of minutes before I realized where I was and why I was there. Still, it was freaky. Assuming I was now fine, I rejected the suggestion that I should call an ambulance and promptly drove myself home. Of course, after driving what felt like a considerable period of time, I realized I didn't recognize quite where I was and was guessing how far I had driven. When I got to the traffic light, it turned out I had only driven a couple of blocks. This freaked me out even a little more.
I managed to get home without any more problems and, at my sister's insistence, arranged to have someone with me continually until I could get to the doctor the next day. The doctor's office called an ambulance and sent me to the emergency room (along with a good scolding). After a considerable battery of tests the ER doctor said I had experienced a TIA (mini stroke) but all the tests were clear so they released me. On Friday I saw my doctor who said she was certain it wasn't a TIA but rather a hypoglycemic episode. So now I get to wait and see a neurologist to, hopefully, find out for sure.
Through this week I've had to do so very deep thought, prayer, and decision making about things I don't want to deal with. My family is concerned about my living so far away and wants me to move in with them or close to them. I've always wanted to live near family but not this way. I'm working on a PhD and want to teach. But I have to be able to go wherever the job is. Now I may have to worry about the medical facilities as well. And what college will hire me with this problem???? Why am I even bothering to finish the dissertation?
As the stress of all these thoughts came crashing down, I realized that I really only have one decision I have to make at the moment: do I Trust in God? I decided I would, but do I? So I've taken a deep calming breath and said, "Yes."
This is my test. For now, I need to monitor my blood sugar and my blood pressure. If it turns out my doctor is right, then I need to carry my monitor and some candy. No problem. If the ER doctor was right, then I need to accept my limitations and believe that the Lord will open the doors I need opened. I will finish my dissertation because that is the path I am on. Hopefully, I will find a college near family that will realize my abilities. But no matter what, I will trust in God to open the door.
This is one test I cannot afford to fail.
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