Last night was not peaceful. There were no visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. On my head maybe, but certainly not in my head. Guess what? Revisiting steps can be even more traumatic than the first time around. My first time through Step Three (for those of you just joining the show - I'm working both Steps Three and Four - where I was when I started the blog and where it sent me back to) I was frustrated. I was still at that "I don't know" level. Having worked Step Three and gone on to Step Four, I felt like I finally trusted the Lord. Last night was a rather disturbing revelation.
It was, of course, set off by thinking about yesterday's blog. The more I thought, the more I started experiencing panic. I finally had another one of those moments from Hook, you know Smee's famous "I've just 'ad an apostrophe!"moment. Well, my epiphany left me near tears as I realized the line I had drawn in the sand. I'm willing to trust up to here and no farther.
Here's my problem. What if turning my will over to God requires me not only to give up my addictions - which I am ready and willing to do - but also to give up everything that matters to me? What if He takes away the only things left to me that are important? What if he requires that as His sacrifice?
Even writing this, I'm in a total panic. My eyes are filled with tears. The scriptures state that "men are that they might have joy" but that joy is returning to live with God. Many of the greatest men and women of the scriptures have suffered throughout their lives. I'm not that strong. There is not much that matters to me; but there are a couple of things. Right now, there are my family and my creative writing. I'm not published but I want to be. What if the will of God is that I'm not? What if His will is that I'm always alone?
I'm discovering it is one thing to trust Him with all my sins. That's quickly becoming the easy part for me. But do I trust Him, if I stop there? I'm desperately trying to work through it.
To me, trusting Him to direct my life means that I believe with all my heart that He can see farther down the road than I can. It means believing that the outcome matters to Him. Yet in the past, when I've tried to turn a problem or decision over to the Lord, I've frequently received no answer. I've discussed my frustration with my church leaders and they've told me that the Lord must trust that whatever decision I make will be fine with Him. So, I don't have a lot of experience with the Lord taking my hand and leading me to start with.
I do have experience with the Lord protecting me. I was told once that angels protected me in times of great danger. I can tell you I know that is true. My life has been preserved from accident and worse. When I think of those specific times, I am still in awe. So why is it so hard for me to make this final leap of faith? I guess because I'm afraid that the last things that give me joy will be taken from me.
This hole is deeper than any other I've dealt with. I can't see the light this time. Somehow I have to keep fighting.
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