Step 4 - The hope of recovery

“Recovery” has taken on a whole new meaning for me. A week ago life was normal. Then Gustav started a very steady march toward us. Our city was devastated. We haven’t experienced such devastation since Hurricane Camille – and I wasn’t around then so I’m taking that on faith. 60-70% of the area still doesn’t have power. “Recovery” means taking devastation and bringing life back to normal.

I evacuated before Gustav hit. I’ve been safe and comfortable, far from the heat and damage and lines for gas and food. I’m dreading going home and feeling guilty for being safe. And I have to go home to start recovery.

Suddenly I have gained a new insight into Recovery. As addicts, we tend to be fatalists. We feel we can never beat it. But I’ve come to believe that while there is life, there is hope. I’ve watched New Orleans crawl back from destruction to life. Now my city is beginning the recovery process. We didn’t have the death toll that New Orleans suffered three years ago. But as I’ve talked with my friends that I’ve finally been able to contact, I recognize the strained voices and the frustration and exhaustion that the situation has caused. But I also recognize that they are all alive and moving forward – hot and tired, but alive.

As addicts, we only lose when we give up. Until then, we are working toward recovery. We may stumble. We may lose our path. But unless we give up, we still have hope of recovery.

Step four is painful. Delving into the past; getting to the truth behind our addictions – it’s very much like cleaning away the debris and trees and torn roofs. But we can’t fix anything until we’ve done the clean-up.

Like my city, I am in recovery and I will continue there.

Step 4 - Replacing denial with truth

I’ve spent most of my life very conscious of the fact that my father and mother gave me a name that was clean, and my job in this life was to keep it that way. That meant not doing anything to dishonor my parent’s names or the name they gave me. Most of the outside world thinks I have succeeded. Unfortunately, contrary to popular belief, what others think of us is of very little importance and has no part in truth.

As I said once, I am a good actress. That is a trait I share with many addicts. But unlike many addicts, I’m good enough and my addiction has been so well hidden, that I’ve managed to fool the world, while secretly damning myself. The only way I was fooling myself was that I didn’t recognize my problem as an addiction, only as sin.

The apostle John said “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). Perhaps that was my saving grace. I saw myself as drowning in sin. But because I saw myself as hopeless, help was beyond my reach. Had God not placed me in the room with the group a year ago, I’d be drowning still.

The denial I had to deal with was that I had an addiction. I fought that with all my heart. I clung to my sin and damnation. I at least recognized that. But an addiction would take some of my precious guilt away and I wasn’t able to give that up. It was all I had left. Giving up my guilt meant giving up my power, though it was actually pretty useless.

So I sat in the group, silent for months, waiting until I could accept that I was an addict. And I sat and wished that my addiction was alcohol or drugs or smoking – those where physical addictions that made sense. Mine was a black hole in my soul. How could I ever open up? How could I ever cleanse the festering wounds?

We are never asked to name our addiction in the group. That is left up to us. But when I finally opened my mouth, it all came pouring out: years of pain and tears and embarrassment and humiliation. John was speaking of gospel truth when he said “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8: 32) but that night I understood that scripture in a whole different way. There was a freedom that I gained that night that only truth can bring. Now, that doesn’t mean that all problems are solved. There are members of my group that have lost their families. Their children and other members still don’t trust them – are still convinced that they haven’t changed and never will. I don’t know how long it will take to prove themselves and win back that trust or if they ever will. But honesty opens the door. The lies are gone and the secrets destroyed. And even in their sorrow, they find hope.

Truth brings healing and hope. It doesn’t make everything miraculously right. Sometimes there is too much pain. Sometimes people won’t forgive you. But God will. And with that hope, we can overcome anything – with His help.

Step 4 - Reviewing your life

Have you ever had the experience of someone telling you to “empty your mind” and “think of nothing”? No matter how hard I try, it is impossible. The second someone tells me to relax and empty your mind (I went to a hypnotist for weight loss), the task becomes virtually impossible.

Now, I know I have a bad memory. But not that bad! Yet as soon as I sat down to try and review my life, I became an absolute blank slate. It was as if someone had wiped the hard drive. I stared at the computer wondering what my name was.

It’s strange, because Step Four has never frightened me as much as some people. Step Three scared me senseless, but Step Four – not so much. Yet here I am – at a loss for words. And those of you who have gone back to the beginning with me know that is saying quite a bit.

My entries here are separate from my list itself. This is about the process. There is a difference.

Some people choose to avoid the process. They continue in their addiction blissfully thinking that there has to be a way around it, without going through the pain. But you have to remember, it was a lot of pain that got us here. Though we are imagining wracking pain, I think it will actually be relief once we take the step. I know when I went and talked with my bishop, the pain was so intense, but it was amazing how exquisite the relief was afterward. But addicts are so averse to the pain that we self-medicate ourselves with more pain. It’s like the dentist’s office. He jabs that huge hypodermic needle in six times causing me to cry each time until it is numb. But what if I had him do that just to take x-rays? It may sound stupid but that is pretty much what we do.

Other people have the process thrust on them. It’s called intervention or outside pressure. Sometimes it works but only if the person wants it to. Otherwise, they will end up back in their addiction. That’s why addicts end up in and out of rehab clinics.

Once in a while, life-altering occurrence life others out and force them to really take stock of their lives. These end of changing the lives of others because they can’t bear to see others suffer like they did. My uncle hurt my aunt. It changed his life. He spent the rest of his life getting clean and then helping others get clean. He became a light for the lost. I think of Saul of Tarsus who was struck down by the Lord, blinded so that he could finally see. Once he had reviewed his life and humbled himself, he was healed and taught and became one of the greatest missionaries the world has ever known, eventually giving his life as a testimony. Once changed, he changed others. But then, that is Step Twelve.

And then there are the rest of us, who hopefully will gather up our strength, humble ourselves, get over ourselves, and review our lives in brutal honesty, opening up all of our wounds so that they can be cleansed and healed.

Step 4 - Truth

Wow. Suddenly I find myself back at the beginning. This was where I was when I first started my blog. You see, the first action step that was suggested was to write in a personal journal. Well, I’ve spent much of my life refusing to commit anything to paper. If it wasn’t on paper, it wasn’t real. It took me nearly a year just to start working the program and more time to get to Step 4. My original answers to questions were short and obscure – using something like “I don’t know.” So I wasn’t prepared for the dam breaking loose like it did when I started the blog. I guess it was the result of half a century of pent-up emotion.

But as I mentioned in one of my posts, in the process, I discovered a second addiction that I had to go back and work on, and in THAT process, I realized that I had never really resolved my trust issues. This time I’m aware that I’m still not 100% but I am trying.

And that is the beginning of truth.

KEY PRINCIPLE:
"Make a searching and fearless
written moral inventory of yourself."

Alcoholics Anonymous version:
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Step Four is one of the most frightening for most people. We had one person in our group who adamantly swore he was going to skip Steps Four and Five. The facilitator kept telling him it wouldn’t work but he said he was going to check out every group in town until he found someone who had succeeded in beating their addiction without doing Steps Four and Five. He kept at it for a long time but finally reported back that he hadn’t been able to find a single person who had been able to overcome their addiction without these two painful steps.

The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions state that “without a searching and fearless moral inventory… the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.”

What frightens me the most about this step is the element of the unknown. My memory really is bad. I joke about it a lot, but the reality is that I have run into people who seem to know me and I pretend to know them, desperately trying to find something in the conversation that will cue me in to who they are and where I am supposed to know them from. I’m never been to a class reunion because when I got the invitation to my 10 year reunion, I pulled out my year book and looking at the pictures of people – who looked just like they did when I knew them, obviously – I didn’t recognize anyone. I decided not to go and be embarrassed by the fact that I had no memories of them.

So, trying to remember things worries me, although not near as much as Step 8, which terrifies me because of my memory.

At least, I can make a current moral inventory and try to work from there. Here is where my new commitment to trust has to come in I guess. I have to trust that the Lord will help me remember everything that I need to deal with.

There was a very short-lived series called New Amsterdam that ran all of eight episodes this year (2008). The main character, John Amsterdam, was immortal (at least temporarily) and had been an alcoholic that went into AA and had been sober since 1965. When he got to this step in the program, he ended up writing notebooks full of his moral inventory. But then, when you’ve lived 400 years, I guess you’ve got a lot to say.

So now it’s time to go to work, really get busy. The most important thing is to be Honest. I’ve come to the point that I know I’ll still be alive afterward. That may sound a little melodramatic but really, why is this step so frightening other than our fear that it may destroy our lives? So, if we realize that, yeah, there may be fallout, but we will survive; what is stopping us?

Write in a personal journal;
seek guidance from the Holy Ghost

This is what started everything in earnest for me, so I guess you could say, I’m convinced that this step does have an impact. My life has changed radically since I started writing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not cured. I’m an addict. That means what? I’ll always be an addict. But my addictions are under control right now and I’ve living with less guilt than I have felt in years. And if I stumble, well, I’ll know to get up again, won’t I. But right now, my sobriety is more intact than I could have believed. I have other areas I have to work on still. Sobriety doesn’t mean life is perfect. It just gives me a little more ability to deal with the other problems.

Make an accounting of your life,
past and present

So here is where I am now. It will be interesting when I sit down with the person I’ve chosen to share my list with. He already knows it is coming. He says he’s heard it all. In fact he says he’s done it all. I don’t know. But the most important part of this, is making the accounting to myself.

Remember your sins no more

Now this may be more difficult for me, but hopefully, I can trust God enough to let this happen. I’ve always been my worst critic. I can be forgiving with everyone but myself. Now I have to learn to forgive myself as well. Otherwise, what is this all for?

Step 3 - Becoming as a child

I don’t know about you, but childhood was not the best time of my life. Well, to be accurate, something about my childhood scared the memory right out of me. So “becoming as a child” holds about the same feeling for me as asking my mother, who was extremely claustrophobic, to spend the night in a coffin would have had for her.

Although that isn’t entirely true.

I don’t have many memories of my childhood and just trying to think back gives me panic attacks but there were some precious times. Somehow, with my immediate family, it was safe to be a child. It was with the entire rest of the world that childhood was hell. But even as an adult, there were times when I needed my mother’s arms around me, just to feel safe. Still, other than with my immediate family, becoming vulnerable again is not a pleasant concept.

Unfortunately, once I finally allowed myself to start feeling again, I experienced a lot of anger and much of it was directed at God. That was accompanied by a lot of guilt, because as angry as I was, I still believed in Him and knew that anger was really the wrong emotion to be throwing out at the Creator of the Universe and my Heavenly Father. And just let anyone else say anything bad about Him and it broke my heart. Again, I was one huge dichotomy.

So how do I become a child again – given that I am willing?

• One thing about a child is that they don’t hold grudges. Rain turns to sunshine quickly and forgiveness is only a smile away.
  
• A child trusts implicitly. It is as we grow older that we question whether daddy’s arms will still be there when we jump.
  
• A child loves naturally. Adults teach the child prejudice and fear.
  
• A child submits to the will of the parents. It is as we grow that we become more self-aware and put our wants above our parents will. Sometimes that leads to growth, sometimes to disaster. But then, our parents aren’t perfect.

Other than my grandparents (and I've finally resolved my feelings there), I can’t hold a grudge to save my life. I guess it’s partially because of my lack of memory. Go away for a day and I’ll forget we ever had a problem. Go away for a year and I’ll probably forget I knew you. Sigh.

Okay, trust is my biggest problem, but I am working on that one. So let’s put a big checkmark here and keep coming back to it.

Love is actually one area I do well in. I find it easy to love people. It wasn’t always that way. I didn’t let myself feel anything, let alone love. But now, I find there are very few people I don’t care about.

Submitting to the will of God – sigh – back to the trust issue. I’m really trying. I keep making changes – adjusting as I go along. I hope that God has patience because I haven’t gotten this one right yet.

At least I’m trying. It’s strange; it still comes down to fairies. I am arriving at the point that I can believe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. I understand that to give me agency means to give everyone agency and I’ve come to believe that angels truly were protecting me during the darkest times. Given the sensitivity of my spirit, I would not have survived if they hadn’t been there. But it still comes back to that horrible childhood fear when my magical world of fairies was destroyed.

Still, if I can learn to believe my own spiritual moments of testimony and my own experiences, then maybe I can make the leap of faith and finally trust their love for me and their reality enough to submit my life to their will.

It’s really strange: I know. Now I just have to believe.

Step 3 - Humbling yourself before God

God seems to have an interesting way of working. When his children are in “bondage,” He doesn’t just swoop down and rescue them. He waits until them become humble; until they “cry mightily” to Him. Then He lightens the burden but doesn’t take it away until some lesson is learned or some personality trait it refined. And then finally He removes the shackles.

It seems to be a recurring pattern that applied in both physical bondage and bondage of sin. I don’t know why we should be so surprised when our lives follow the same pattern.

Frankly, I hate it; but I’m trying to understand. I’ve been torn so many times between anger and frustration that I have a feeling this is a vitally important point for me. I’ve reached the point of crying mightily to God. I’ve spent many hours on my knees in tears. I have a tender spirit still that feels the pain and sorrow of my actions. It is only in the moment of rebellion that I have the problem – in the moment when anger and resentment win out and give me the excuses I need. But then it is followed by great sorrow and a harrowing up of my spirit in tears. But the shackles remain.

Perhaps, it is because I doubt. I know I have been here so many times in the past that I fear the Lord has given up on me and the repetition of my addiction heaps all my sins back upon my head – even those of which we have already repented.

If I could just believe! He commands us to forgive seven times seventy. Perhaps He too can forgive so often. I am trying to believe that He loves me – to believe my blessing that angels are bearing me up in times of danger. I am trying to believe that He sees farther than I do.

Above all, I’m trying to understand and get past my anger. Where were you when I was a child? I had a flash – a revelation a while back. It’s hard to explain. But for a brief moment I realized that He was protecting me in every way He could while not restraining the agency of another. I don’t remember because it is a protection He gave me; because He loves me; because He was there.

Satan tells me He abandoned me. That makes me feel like I’m in this all alone. I’ve felt that way most of my life, even with a loving family surrounding me. But in a way, isn’t that the height of arrogance – that I, among all of His children, am the only one He truly abandons; because I truly believe He is there for everyone else.

I’m finally coming to realize He has never abandoned me. But like with the rest of His children, He is patiently waiting for me to come to the point where He can help me. So here are some of the things I have found out – the dealings of a loving Father trying to get His children ready to listen.

• Even before nations existed, it seems God worked this humbling time into the pattern. Father Adam, after the fall, had many years of trial and sadness. He had his precious sons, Able and Cain, taken from him. One was murdered and the other was the murderer. He saw all his children turn from the Lord. It was one hundred and thirty years before Seth was born and more years before Adam knew for sure that Seth would be his righteous heir – before the fall produced hope.
  
  
• Abraham and Sarah desired children. At that time in the history of the world, to be childless was to be cut off from the generations – a stigma among all nations – a bondage and a curse. Yet after begin humbled Sarah bore a son to the hundred-year-old Abraham: Isaac, the children of the covenant. And then God told Abraham to take young Isaac, just as he was reaching the promise of manhood, and sacrifice him – an abomination to Abraham (who had nearly been sacrificed by his own father). What greater bondage could a loving father have been put into than to have to take the son he had prayed for, the son he had waited for a century to have, and sacrifice him? Yet the Lord did not stay his hand until the very last second.
  
  
• Abraham’s great-grandson Joseph became a ruler in Egypt but not before he was sold as a slave by his brothers, put through trials within the home of his master, thrown into prison, and nearly executed by a blanket sentence of death for the inability of the magicians to interpret the dreams of the pharaoh. The burdens of his suffering were never taken away, but the Lord made them bearable. Joseph made the best of a bad situation, knowing in whom he could trust.
  
  
• The children of Israel went from being guests in Egypt, favored because of Joseph, to being slaves under a grievous burden because they were perceived as a threat due to their vast number. Again, the Lord didn’t just step in with on behalf of His covenant people. They suffered terribly. They suffered until they accepted their suffering – until they turned to him instead of themselves. “And the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bondage, and they cried, and their cry came up unto God by reason of the bondage.” (Exodus 2: 23) And when they were finally sufficiently humble, He told Moses: “I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows; And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians” (Exodus 3: 7-8). Of course, they may not be the best examples, because they kept backsliding, but then so do most addicts. Maybe the fact that God continued patient with them is a cause for hope.
  
  
• Even the righteous were not exempt. The people who fled with Alma had formed a city in the wilderness. They lived in righteousness. Yet when they were discovered by the Lamanites, they were put under the rule of the wicked Amulon who hated Alma.

⁸ And now it came to pass that Amulon began to exercise authority over Alma and his brethren, and began to persecute him, and cause that his children should persecute their children.

¹⁰ And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

¹³ And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

¹⁴ And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

¹⁵ And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

(Mosiah 24: 8, 10, 13-15)

Finally the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by miraculous means, but He allowed them to go through humbling times even though they were already trying to live the gospel.

• In modern times, the Jews went through the nightmare we refer to as the Holocaust. Their prayers may have seemed unanswered but they were not. Once again, God seemed to have waited, using tools to help lighten the burden: Oscar Schindler, Miep Gies, Victor Kugler, Johannes Kleiman and Bep Voskuijl, and thousands of unnamed individuals, the allies, and the faith of those who refused to give in to despair. In the end, Hitler lost and the prisoners were freed.

I guess, in the end, it isn’t that we are waiting on the Lord to rescue us, but that He is waiting on us to be ready.

Step 3 – Fasting and prayer

So, I have come back to the beginning of this particular circle and find myself asking again: “How do you eat an elephant?” As I see it, I have one of three choices.

I can decide I can’t do this and walk away from the recovery program, intent on trying to fix myself by myself. Of course, if I am walking away because I can’t trust God, then why do I even care if I fix myself? It comes back to the fact that my soul has been in such pain that I don’t want to go back. And if you have been following this blog, you know how successful I have been over the years dealing with this problem by myself.

My second choice is to sit here (my here, not yours) and continue torturing myself with the “can I, can’t I” questions that are keeping me from sleeping and are putting my heart in a constant state of panic attack where I feel like an alien is going to jump out of my chest at any moment. Frankly, I am not receiving any answers, not feeling any more at peace, and not coming to any conclusions. I’m just miserable. I am still (for right now anyway) straddling the right side of the fence, but how long can I keep that up if I can’t resolve this question.

My third choice is a little harder to explain. When an infant starts to walk, I don’t think there is a long thought process worrying over each moment. “If I stand up, chances are mom and dad won’t bother to catch me when I fall because they want me to realize that falling hurts so I’d better learn to stand. And if I actually succeed in standing and begin moving my feet, my momentum will cause me to walk but when I fall, mom and dad are going to say: ‘We told you that you weren’t ready to walk yet, but would you listen to us? Of course not. And now you see what has happened?” Instead, in that perfect little mind a goal appears and the infant takes whatever move it is capable of in order to achieve that goal. And if the muscles aren’t quite ready, the babe tries again and again until the muscles are ready and the child achieves the goal. The parents patiently allow the child to fall and fall again, while hopefully protecting the child from serious harm. Why? Because they know that, in falling, the child learns to get up again. I guess what I am saying is that my third choice is to take the faltering steps forward in imperfect knowledge and imperfect faith, knowing that I am going to fall down but, that in doing so, I’ll still be a step closer to my goal. Hopefully my falling down won’t cost me my sobriety. Hopefully it will strengthen my faith.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “put it to the test.” In today’s fast-moving society, we seem to be losing the significance of that concept. Computer hardware and software changes so quickly that it is obsolete by the time it hits the shelves, so quality control testing is frequently substandard. As a result, companies create bug-fixes on an on-going basis. Look at products such as the ill-conceived Windows ME or Windows VISTA that were so filled with glitches that the next version of Windows was being prepared before those versions could be fixed. VISTA users have migrated back to XP in droves. “Put it to the test” just takes too much time for us. And yet, that is the eternal principal that I find staring back at me right now. President Gordon B. Hinckley of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint spoke with a group of church members in Paris, France in 2004 and said: “I plead with you, my brothers and sisters, that if you have any doubt concerning any doctrine of this Church, that you put it to the test. Try it. Live the principle. Get on your knees and pray about it, and God will bless you with a knowledge of the truth of this work.” The concept wasn’t lost on me. Basically I translated it into: If you want to know if something is true, live it and pray about it. Then you’ll know. I guess, like most of the world, I rely too heavily on my own mental abilities, and quite frankly, they are getting me nowhere right now.

So I’m taking a tentative deep breath – breathing is always good. I choose number three. I’m going to take the steps and try to put my life in the Lord’s hands. I’m going to pray the father’s prayer from Mark: “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

Fasting is one of those steps. There are a lot of different thoughts about it. I used to be a lot better with it than I am now. As a person who has a weight problem (just another addiction folks – nothing to see here, although since working the program I’ve lost over 40 pounds) fasting is easy to mix up with dieting. I don’t think they are in any way related; especially when you fast and then gorge. I think that fasting has to do with submitting yourself to the will of God. Most of us don’t want to feel hungry, even for a few minutes. With fasting, we make a conscious decision to deny ourselves something that our body wants in order to show a willingness to take an action step – to humble our bodies – to focus on something other than our physical needs. So if all I’m thinking about during a fast is how hungry I am and how much I’m going to eat once the fast is over, I might as well not bother. Rather, I need to focus on using the time to communicate, to pray, to try to form the connection that is obviously lacking. Sigh. That’s a whole new world.

Yet prayer is supposed to be our greatest defense. If we can bring ourselves to pray when we are overcome with temptation, we can beat the temptation back. The problem is, and I’m speaking for myself here, when temptation hits, I don’t want to fight back. I don’t want to pray and I want my addiction. So prayer has to be solidly in place long before the temptation hits, as does fasting I guess. We have to be prepared enough so that we don’t turn on the Spirit and command Him to leave us alone with our addiction. To be willing to pray when we don’t really want to resist but before we are too far gone to listen to the Spirit is to humble ourselves and partake of the redeeming sacrifice before we become the aggressor.

What do you know? They were right all along. The best offense really is a good defense.

Right now, I’m a tragic case of multiple personalities. On my pain addiction, I’ve become strong – at least right now. I’m able to yield my heart to God and resist the temptation of my addiction. On my IMVU addiction, I’m gaining ground. I’m severed my ties with the rooms where I shouldn’t be but I’m still spending time in virtual reality when I should be working on other things that are far more important (and real) – procrastinating and even avoiding life. My food addiction is generally doing better but when I get frustrated, I still binge. But I would have to give myself failing marks on getting to bed on time and taking care of my health. So it’s still two steps forward, one step back.

But at least, for today, I don’t wish a mountain would land on top of me. And that is an improvement.

Step 3 - Submitting to the will of God

The panic attack is no better. My sleep is just as disturbed. The only comfort right now is that this has obviously become important to me or I would simply be glancing past it. I guess that is some consolation. I almost wish I could crawl back into my little hole. It was painful but I’m not sure it was as terrifying as this.

I’m trying to grasp what it means to “submit to the will of God.” I have a basic intellectual understanding. Basically that means that I understanding what it means for other people. It’s always intellectual until it deals with us. Then it becomes gut-wrenching. Anyway, I’m going to start with the intellectual because at least it gives me a place to start.

In Psalms 55:22, it says: “Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee.” Throughout the scriptures are examples of the Lord making the burdens of His people bearable, while not removing the burden itself for a very long time. I think that is really difficult for us to understand.

We live in a society of instant gratification. Once upon a time, we expected a delay of a couple of weeks for an answer to a question. It took that long for the mail to get back and forth. Now we expect immediate answers: we have telephones, faxes, instant messaging, and video conferencing. There are no excuses for delays. ASAP no longer allows time for thought. Personally, if I get something in the mail, especially about finances, and I can’t get hold of someone immediately to clear up the matter (my mail doesn’t come until after 5 so most offices are closed), I fume until the next day when I can talk to someone. And don’t even try to imagine how bad it is if the problem arises on a Friday evening with a weekend between me and a resolution! Now, now, now, now, now! Not tomorrow. I want it now. And I am NOT alone. How many young couples get buried in debt because they want their first home to be like their parents home? They forget that their parents started out with a tiny apartment and slowly improved their situation. My parent’s first apartment was one room with a closet restroom that required maneuvering just to close the door. They had wonderful memories from that time of their lives. But young couples don’t want to step down from what they are used to. Only move forward, even if that means ridiculous debt. Patience is something that has been buried in the backyard with all the dead pets of our past.

Yet patience, at least I am told, is the trait a parent needs most. Perhaps that is a celestial trait that we most need to develop is we hope to become like our Heavenly Father. No other trait would require so much humility. But like the child, we want to stomp our feet and scream, “Not fair!” I always have to laugh at the prayer I once saw on a wall hanging:

“Lord, give me patience, and give it to me now.”

So enduring trials with grace seems to be something the Lord wants us to learn. This part I can do fairly well. Other than my depression, which sometimes knocks me down, I find I can usually deal with the physical trials. Heart attack – laughed about. Bike accident – kept the policemen laughing while we waited for the ambulance. Although I admit that not being able to run or dance gets a little wearing after five years. Still, all in all, that hasn’t been my problem. So all along, I’ve foolishly imagined that I was submitting to the will of God.

Over the last year, since I admitted I had an addiction, my relationship with the Lord has become far more honest and more strained. I’ve found myself yelling at Him – expressing my anger, my sense of abandonment. I’ve tried to make Him feel guilty or to make him see my point of view and accept it. Basically, I’ve tried to get Him to submit to my way of thinking.

For me, to submit to Him is to accept that He know better than I do and accept the disappointment that His chastisement or refusal brings and believe that it is because he has something better in mind. But when your life keeps going nowhere, how do you keep this faith strong? Yet I know that my life goes nowhere because I am too afraid to take chances. So that really isn’t His fault.

I guess patience and I just don’t get along. I start things out with force and then burn out quickly when I don’t succeed right away. So how can the Lord teach me anything if I’ve quit before I learn. Some words that I’ve grown to hate are “in the Lord’s own time.” I feel like I keep waiting for the Lord’s own time and the world has passed me by. But is that His fault for taking his time or my fault for doing nothing. Obviously, it’s my fault. So now I have to ask, is it too late for me? I’m trying to learn patience: with myself and with the Lord.

Right now, it still comes down to the question: can I really bring myself to truly submit to the will of the Lord. I want to desperately. I need to in order to find a life without the bondage of the addiction. I need to understand that as my Father, He loves me and wants what is best for me.

There is just still this terror eating at my heart.

Step 3 - In harmony with the will of God

If I used profanity, this might be one of those times.

Last night was not peaceful. There were no visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. On my head maybe, but certainly not in my head. Guess what? Revisiting steps can be even more traumatic than the first time around. My first time through Step Three (for those of you just joining the show - I'm working both Steps Three and Four - where I was when I started the blog and where it sent me back to) I was frustrated. I was still at that "I don't know" level. Having worked Step Three and gone on to Step Four, I felt like I finally trusted the Lord. Last night was a rather disturbing revelation.

It was, of course, set off by thinking about yesterday's blog. The more I thought, the more I started experiencing panic. I finally had another one of those moments from Hook, you know Smee's famous "I've just 'ad an apostrophe!"moment. Well, my epiphany left me near tears as I realized the line I had drawn in the sand. I'm willing to trust up to here and no farther.

Here's my problem. What if turning my will over to God requires me not only to give up my addictions - which I am ready and willing to do - but also to give up everything that matters to me? What if He takes away the only things left to me that are important? What if he requires that as His sacrifice?

Even writing this, I'm in a total panic. My eyes are filled with tears. The scriptures state that "men are that they might have joy" but that joy is returning to live with God. Many of the greatest men and women of the scriptures have suffered throughout their lives. I'm not that strong. There is not much that matters to me; but there are a couple of things. Right now, there are my family and my creative writing. I'm not published but I want to be. What if the will of God is that I'm not? What if His will is that I'm always alone?

I'm discovering it is one thing to trust Him with all my sins. That's quickly becoming the easy part for me. But do I trust Him, if I stop there? I'm desperately trying to work through it.

To me, trusting Him to direct my life means that I believe with all my heart that He can see farther down the road than I can. It means believing that the outcome matters to Him. Yet in the past, when I've tried to turn a problem or decision over to the Lord, I've frequently received no answer. I've discussed my frustration with my church leaders and they've told me that the Lord must trust that whatever decision I make will be fine with Him. So, I don't have a lot of experience with the Lord taking my hand and leading me to start with.

I do have experience with the Lord protecting me. I was told once that angels protected me in times of great danger. I can tell you I know that is true. My life has been preserved from accident and worse. When I think of those specific times, I am still in awe. So why is it so hard for me to make this final leap of faith? I guess because I'm afraid that the last things that give me joy will be taken from me.

This hole is deeper than any other I've dealt with. I can't see the light this time. Somehow I have to keep fighting.