I’m trying to grasp what it means to “submit to the will of God.” I have a basic intellectual understanding. Basically that means that I understanding what it means for other people. It’s always intellectual until it deals with us. Then it becomes gut-wrenching. Anyway, I’m going to start with the intellectual because at least it gives me a place to start.
In Psalms 55:22, it says: “Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee.” Throughout the scriptures are examples of the Lord making the burdens of His people bearable, while not removing the burden itself for a very long time. I think that is really difficult for us to understand.
We live in a society of instant gratification. Once upon a time, we expected a delay of a couple of weeks for an answer to a question. It took that long for the mail to get back and forth. Now we expect immediate answers: we have telephones, faxes, instant messaging, and video conferencing. There are no excuses for delays. ASAP no longer allows time for thought. Personally, if I get something in the mail, especially about finances, and I can’t get hold of someone immediately to clear up the matter (my mail doesn’t come until after 5 so most offices are closed), I fume until the next day when I can talk to someone. And don’t even try to imagine how bad it is if the problem arises on a Friday evening with a weekend between me and a resolution! Now, now, now, now, now! Not tomorrow. I want it now. And I am NOT alone. How many young couples get buried in debt because they want their first home to be like their parents home? They forget that their parents started out with a tiny apartment and slowly improved their situation. My parent’s first apartment was one room with a closet restroom that required maneuvering just to close the door. They had wonderful memories from that time of their lives. But young couples don’t want to step down from what they are used to. Only move forward, even if that means ridiculous debt. Patience is something that has been buried in the backyard with all the dead pets of our past.
Yet patience, at least I am told, is the trait a parent needs most. Perhaps that is a celestial trait that we most need to develop is we hope to become like our Heavenly Father. No other trait would require so much humility. But like the child, we want to stomp our feet and scream, “Not fair!” I always have to laugh at the prayer I once saw on a wall hanging:
“Lord, give me patience, and give it to me now.”
So enduring trials with grace seems to be something the Lord wants us to learn. This part I can do fairly well. Other than my depression, which sometimes knocks me down, I find I can usually deal with the physical trials. Heart attack – laughed about. Bike accident – kept the policemen laughing while we waited for the ambulance. Although I admit that not being able to run or dance gets a little wearing after five years. Still, all in all, that hasn’t been my problem. So all along, I’ve foolishly imagined that I was submitting to the will of God.
Over the last year, since I admitted I had an addiction, my relationship with the Lord has become far more honest and more strained. I’ve found myself yelling at Him – expressing my anger, my sense of abandonment. I’ve tried to make Him feel guilty or to make him see my point of view and accept it. Basically, I’ve tried to get Him to submit to my way of thinking.
For me, to submit to Him is to accept that He know better than I do and accept the disappointment that His chastisement or refusal brings and believe that it is because he has something better in mind. But when your life keeps going nowhere, how do you keep this faith strong? Yet I know that my life goes nowhere because I am too afraid to take chances. So that really isn’t His fault.
I guess patience and I just don’t get along. I start things out with force and then burn out quickly when I don’t succeed right away. So how can the Lord teach me anything if I’ve quit before I learn. Some words that I’ve grown to hate are “in the Lord’s own time.” I feel like I keep waiting for the Lord’s own time and the world has passed me by. But is that His fault for taking his time or my fault for doing nothing. Obviously, it’s my fault. So now I have to ask, is it too late for me? I’m trying to learn patience: with myself and with the Lord.
Right now, it still comes down to the question: can I really bring myself to truly submit to the will of the Lord. I want to desperately. I need to in order to find a life without the bondage of the addiction. I need to understand that as my Father, He loves me and wants what is best for me.
There is just still this terror eating at my heart.
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