Step 4 - Acknowledging the past

Humanity has a fascination with the past. We sift through dirt to find fragments of the past that can be reconstructed into a living memory of eons ago. We spend money we can’t afford on memorabilia of personalities, living or dead, that we have never met, but who we imagine have impacted our lives. Maybe a few of them even have. We spend thousands of hours meticulously cleaning away the filth of millennia to discover the tedium of daily life of ancient Pompeii. We won’t even clean our own walls. I wonder if, a thousand years from now, someone will spend those hours carefully cleaning our walls, trying to discover our tedium.

We cannot let the dead lie in peace. I am writing a dissertation about a personality that I have come to admire greatly. But my advisors don’t want to see a great man who overcame so much. They want me to dig deeper: find the dirt, find the scandal, find what makes him interesting! We don’t need no stinkin’ heroes!

But when the person is us, it is an entirely different matter, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, an addict has two choices, deal with the past or remain an addict. Sorry, there is no third choice. Until you acknowledge the past, it WILL keep coming back to bite you. And you want to know something amazing? The way you take power away from someone else is with truth. Now that doesn’t mean you walk around and pour your life out to everyone you meet. But it does mean that you have to face the past, and take its power away.

Side-stepping may seem to work for some. Clinton still got elected even after side-stepping with his famous “I didn’t inhale.” He got re-elected with his “Define sex.” But he will always be remembered as the joke on the late night talk show for those. Regardless of what else he may have done, I doubt that many people will ever mistake him for a loving, faithful husband, no matter how hard he tried to get his wife elected.

No, truth in its raw form is needed because until we face the truth, we can’t fix it. It’s like trying to treat a disease. If you have the wrong medical records, you can do everything right and still kill the patient.

There is an interesting thing I have discovered. It is one thing to be honest with yourself in your mind. It is entirely different to be honest on paper. Somehow, your mind can say, “Yep, yep, yep. I did that…” and be on to something else before the reality sinks in enough to make a difference. But once I’ve put it on paper, it becomes REAL. Now I have to deal with it.

Honesty begins with me. If I can’t be honest with myself, there isn’t a prayer that I can be honest with anyone else, not even God. So I start here: no audience to perform for – just me. And once I’ve finally seen myself in the mirror, I can talk to God about fixing the flaws.

Step 4 - Truth

Wow. Suddenly I find myself back at the beginning. This was where I was when I first started my blog. You see, the first action step that was suggested was to write in a personal journal. Well, I’ve spent much of my life refusing to commit anything to paper. If it wasn’t on paper, it wasn’t real. It took me nearly a year just to start working the program and more time to get to Step 4. My original answers to questions were short and obscure – using something like “I don’t know.” So I wasn’t prepared for the dam breaking loose like it did when I started the blog. I guess it was the result of half a century of pent-up emotion.

But as I mentioned in one of my posts, in the process, I discovered a second addiction that I had to go back and work on, and in THAT process, I realized that I had never really resolved my trust issues. This time I’m aware that I’m still not 100% but I am trying.

And that is the beginning of truth.

KEY PRINCIPLE:
"Make a searching and fearless
written moral inventory of yourself."

Alcoholics Anonymous version:
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Step Four is one of the most frightening for most people. We had one person in our group who adamantly swore he was going to skip Steps Four and Five. The facilitator kept telling him it wouldn’t work but he said he was going to check out every group in town until he found someone who had succeeded in beating their addiction without doing Steps Four and Five. He kept at it for a long time but finally reported back that he hadn’t been able to find a single person who had been able to overcome their addiction without these two painful steps.

The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions state that “without a searching and fearless moral inventory… the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.”

What frightens me the most about this step is the element of the unknown. My memory really is bad. I joke about it a lot, but the reality is that I have run into people who seem to know me and I pretend to know them, desperately trying to find something in the conversation that will cue me in to who they are and where I am supposed to know them from. I’m never been to a class reunion because when I got the invitation to my 10 year reunion, I pulled out my year book and looking at the pictures of people – who looked just like they did when I knew them, obviously – I didn’t recognize anyone. I decided not to go and be embarrassed by the fact that I had no memories of them.

So, trying to remember things worries me, although not near as much as Step 8, which terrifies me because of my memory.

At least, I can make a current moral inventory and try to work from there. Here is where my new commitment to trust has to come in I guess. I have to trust that the Lord will help me remember everything that I need to deal with.

There was a very short-lived series called New Amsterdam that ran all of eight episodes this year (2008). The main character, John Amsterdam, was immortal (at least temporarily) and had been an alcoholic that went into AA and had been sober since 1965. When he got to this step in the program, he ended up writing notebooks full of his moral inventory. But then, when you’ve lived 400 years, I guess you’ve got a lot to say.

So now it’s time to go to work, really get busy. The most important thing is to be Honest. I’ve come to the point that I know I’ll still be alive afterward. That may sound a little melodramatic but really, why is this step so frightening other than our fear that it may destroy our lives? So, if we realize that, yeah, there may be fallout, but we will survive; what is stopping us?

Write in a personal journal;
seek guidance from the Holy Ghost

This is what started everything in earnest for me, so I guess you could say, I’m convinced that this step does have an impact. My life has changed radically since I started writing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not cured. I’m an addict. That means what? I’ll always be an addict. But my addictions are under control right now and I’ve living with less guilt than I have felt in years. And if I stumble, well, I’ll know to get up again, won’t I. But right now, my sobriety is more intact than I could have believed. I have other areas I have to work on still. Sobriety doesn’t mean life is perfect. It just gives me a little more ability to deal with the other problems.

Make an accounting of your life,
past and present

So here is where I am now. It will be interesting when I sit down with the person I’ve chosen to share my list with. He already knows it is coming. He says he’s heard it all. In fact he says he’s done it all. I don’t know. But the most important part of this, is making the accounting to myself.

Remember your sins no more

Now this may be more difficult for me, but hopefully, I can trust God enough to let this happen. I’ve always been my worst critic. I can be forgiving with everyone but myself. Now I have to learn to forgive myself as well. Otherwise, what is this all for?

Step 3 - Becoming as a child

I don’t know about you, but childhood was not the best time of my life. Well, to be accurate, something about my childhood scared the memory right out of me. So “becoming as a child” holds about the same feeling for me as asking my mother, who was extremely claustrophobic, to spend the night in a coffin would have had for her.

Although that isn’t entirely true.

I don’t have many memories of my childhood and just trying to think back gives me panic attacks but there were some precious times. Somehow, with my immediate family, it was safe to be a child. It was with the entire rest of the world that childhood was hell. But even as an adult, there were times when I needed my mother’s arms around me, just to feel safe. Still, other than with my immediate family, becoming vulnerable again is not a pleasant concept.

Unfortunately, once I finally allowed myself to start feeling again, I experienced a lot of anger and much of it was directed at God. That was accompanied by a lot of guilt, because as angry as I was, I still believed in Him and knew that anger was really the wrong emotion to be throwing out at the Creator of the Universe and my Heavenly Father. And just let anyone else say anything bad about Him and it broke my heart. Again, I was one huge dichotomy.

So how do I become a child again – given that I am willing?

• One thing about a child is that they don’t hold grudges. Rain turns to sunshine quickly and forgiveness is only a smile away.
  
• A child trusts implicitly. It is as we grow older that we question whether daddy’s arms will still be there when we jump.
  
• A child loves naturally. Adults teach the child prejudice and fear.
  
• A child submits to the will of the parents. It is as we grow that we become more self-aware and put our wants above our parents will. Sometimes that leads to growth, sometimes to disaster. But then, our parents aren’t perfect.

Other than my grandparents (and I've finally resolved my feelings there), I can’t hold a grudge to save my life. I guess it’s partially because of my lack of memory. Go away for a day and I’ll forget we ever had a problem. Go away for a year and I’ll probably forget I knew you. Sigh.

Okay, trust is my biggest problem, but I am working on that one. So let’s put a big checkmark here and keep coming back to it.

Love is actually one area I do well in. I find it easy to love people. It wasn’t always that way. I didn’t let myself feel anything, let alone love. But now, I find there are very few people I don’t care about.

Submitting to the will of God – sigh – back to the trust issue. I’m really trying. I keep making changes – adjusting as I go along. I hope that God has patience because I haven’t gotten this one right yet.

At least I’m trying. It’s strange; it still comes down to fairies. I am arriving at the point that I can believe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. I understand that to give me agency means to give everyone agency and I’ve come to believe that angels truly were protecting me during the darkest times. Given the sensitivity of my spirit, I would not have survived if they hadn’t been there. But it still comes back to that horrible childhood fear when my magical world of fairies was destroyed.

Still, if I can learn to believe my own spiritual moments of testimony and my own experiences, then maybe I can make the leap of faith and finally trust their love for me and their reality enough to submit my life to their will.

It’s really strange: I know. Now I just have to believe.

Step 3 - The choice to begin recovery

Choice. My life always come back to that. I think I have no choice, but I am wrong. Sometimes I choose to do nothing and the choice is made for me by default. That’s what addiction is all about I think. I choose to remain where I am because I avoid making the hard choice to change. Let’s face it: change is scary, change hurts, and change sucks. But when the situation we are in hurts more than the change, we are finally ready.

Choice. I have a niece. I love her dearly and she drives me crazy. Her theory in life is that we choose how we will react. Is that insane or what? Granted sometimes I worry she is going to push herself over the edge someday by being cheerful when she needs to accept she isn’t perfect and she is allowed to cry once in awhile, but generally (as much as I hate to admit it) she is right. She chooses to be happy and she is. I watch in amazement. Why isn’t it that clear-cut for me? I used to pretend it was, but she really radiates it.

Choice. Step Three is our first real action step. We make the choice to Recover. I’m amazed at how many people we lose from the group before they get to Step Three. That’s why I am there, but now I have to really commit. It isn’t just a wish any more. But it is more than just “I choose to Recover” that I am committing to. I am choosing to change some things in my life that will in turn help me recover.

Some I’ve already discussed:

• Humility
• Submission to the will of God
• Patience/Long-suffering

Along with these, are a few that I will need to develop in order to get ready for the next Steps:

• Gentleness
• Openness
• Temperance
• Diligence
• Gratitude

Think of it this way: these things are a formula for a super-Drain-O that clears the pathway between us and God/our Higher Power that allows Him to work in our lives. I admitted I couldn’t do it alone in Step One. I realized there was Hope through God in Step Two. Now I guess, I have to open the channel to God and Trust in His ability to help me.

Gentleness

As an addict, it is easy for me to be super-critical. Surprisingly, it is usually of myself and not others. I am, as the saying goes, my own worst enemy. But there are two people that I have had to forgive, to learn gentleness toward before I can expect to fall on the mercy of the Lord. No, make that three. I had to forgive my grandfather – to realize that he raised my father and uncles and aunt who are all incredible people and to realize that I don’t want him to suffer. I had to forgive my grandmother, because I blamed her for pushing and manipulating my grandfather toward his addiction. And I had to forgive myself for hating my grandparents when I wasn’t even sure if anything had really happened. I had to put everything in the past and gentle my soul so I could love people again. For as Paul preached to the Ephesians:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

(Ephesians 4:32)

Openness

Why is it as I grow older, I grow more suspicious and hardened, unwilling to listen and learn? I become prideful and think I know more than those around me. I’m reading in the New Testament right now and am amazed that when Paul and Barnabas are preaching and the hearts of their listeners are “pricked,” the reaction is frequently that they attack rather than repent. In Lystra, Paul and Barnabas performed great miracles and were hailed as the gods Jupiter and Mercurius. Although they were able to convince the people they were not gods, Paul ended up being stoned by the people and dragged out of the city and left for dead.

How does this apply to me? Hopefully not with an exact parallel. But how often do I refuse the healing miracle? How often do I admit defeat before I even try? How many of us never even work the steps? How many of us are sure that our situation is so unique that none of this applies?

Me! But you know what? I was wrong. And if I give up trying to be the worst case out there, maybe there is hope for me.

Temperance

I’ve used the pendulum symbolism before. As addicts, we live in the world of extremes – in everything. I remember years ago, a bishop’s wife spoke in church and told us to stay in the mainstream of the church; not to be an extremist even in our devotion. My immediate thought was that she was making excusing for not being willing to live the gospel to the ultimate degree. I wanted to become perfect in this life and that didn’t mean staying in the mainstream.

Word to the wise – she was right. Insanity lies in that direction. She didn’t mean only to obey 50% of the commandments. She was warning against extremism such as trying to fast for 40 days. (Okay, I only made it for one week. Friends finally forced me to eat because after a week, you really have no appetite.) Sometimes we have to remember that we are not the Savior. But when you become an extremist, you lose the love for your fellowman because, try as you might, you begin looking down on their puny efforts.

You also damn yourself a thousand different ways when you fail.

As an addict, temperance is my lifeline. In order to be strong, I must respect my addiction so it doesn’t blindside me. Lack of temperance brings arrogance brings failure. Don’t believe me? Test it. Better yet: avoid that hornet’s nest all together.

Diligence
Okay – one word – elephant. If you are lost, please refer to previous posts.

There is a poem by D. H. Groberg that I love entitled, “The Race.” It talks of a young boy running a race with his father watching. He wants to win for his father so bad that he keeps falling. Still, remembering his father, he gets up each time and keeps going. He finishes last, far behind all the others, feeling defeated and a failure:

They cheered the winning runner as he crossed the line first place
Head high, and proud and happy no falling, no disgrace

But when the fallen youngster crossed the line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race

And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he won the race to listen to the crowd

And to his dad he sadly said “I didn't do so well.”
“To me you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and hard and difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race with ups and downs and all,
And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.

“Quit, give up, your beaten,” they still shout in my face,
But another voice within me says, “Get up and win the race.”

For me it is simple: if I screw up, don’t give up. The race isn’t over.

Gratitude

This is an easy one to screw up on. When I make it through a day, I think I’ve succeeded. It’s easy to forget who got me through. It’s a little like the story of Harold.

Harold is walking down a darkened alley, when he's suddenly confronted by two masked men carrying guns. Fearing for his life, Harold throws his hands heavenward and begins to pray, "God, save me, please save me! I'll do anything, God - I'll go to synagogue every day, I'll take that long-overdue trip to Israel, and I'll even give half my income to charity!"

At that moment, a police car pulls into the alley, and the thugs flee. Harold looks heavenward and says, "Never mind, God, I took care of it myself!"

Don’t get me wrong. We have to do our part. We can’t be like the man who had all the faith in the world that God would save him and couldn’t figure out why he drowned.

A flood threatens a town, forcing everyone to evacuate, But Joe thinks, "I'm a devout man, God will save me," and stays put.

As the waters rise, Joe's neighbor comes by and says, "Joe come with me, we've got to go." Joe declines, "I'm a devout man, God will save me."

The waters keep rising, Joe scrambles to his second floor. A firefighter in a rowboat comes by. "Get in the boat or you'll drown," he says. Joe again declines, saying, "God will save me. So this flood story goes."

Finally, the flood waters force Joe to his roof. A police helicopter comes by and throws down a rope. "Climb up or you'll drown," the policeman yells. "No, I'm a devout man, God will save me," Joe replies.

Soon, Joe drowns. He arrives in heaven and challenges God. "Why didn't you help me?"

"What do you mean?" God says. "I did help. I sent a neighbor, a firefighter and a helicopter."

I have to recognize his help when it comes. Otherwise, I may just find myself back where I was, relying on the most unreliable source – me.

Step 3 - Humbling yourself before God

God seems to have an interesting way of working. When his children are in “bondage,” He doesn’t just swoop down and rescue them. He waits until them become humble; until they “cry mightily” to Him. Then He lightens the burden but doesn’t take it away until some lesson is learned or some personality trait it refined. And then finally He removes the shackles.

It seems to be a recurring pattern that applied in both physical bondage and bondage of sin. I don’t know why we should be so surprised when our lives follow the same pattern.

Frankly, I hate it; but I’m trying to understand. I’ve been torn so many times between anger and frustration that I have a feeling this is a vitally important point for me. I’ve reached the point of crying mightily to God. I’ve spent many hours on my knees in tears. I have a tender spirit still that feels the pain and sorrow of my actions. It is only in the moment of rebellion that I have the problem – in the moment when anger and resentment win out and give me the excuses I need. But then it is followed by great sorrow and a harrowing up of my spirit in tears. But the shackles remain.

Perhaps, it is because I doubt. I know I have been here so many times in the past that I fear the Lord has given up on me and the repetition of my addiction heaps all my sins back upon my head – even those of which we have already repented.

If I could just believe! He commands us to forgive seven times seventy. Perhaps He too can forgive so often. I am trying to believe that He loves me – to believe my blessing that angels are bearing me up in times of danger. I am trying to believe that He sees farther than I do.

Above all, I’m trying to understand and get past my anger. Where were you when I was a child? I had a flash – a revelation a while back. It’s hard to explain. But for a brief moment I realized that He was protecting me in every way He could while not restraining the agency of another. I don’t remember because it is a protection He gave me; because He loves me; because He was there.

Satan tells me He abandoned me. That makes me feel like I’m in this all alone. I’ve felt that way most of my life, even with a loving family surrounding me. But in a way, isn’t that the height of arrogance – that I, among all of His children, am the only one He truly abandons; because I truly believe He is there for everyone else.

I’m finally coming to realize He has never abandoned me. But like with the rest of His children, He is patiently waiting for me to come to the point where He can help me. So here are some of the things I have found out – the dealings of a loving Father trying to get His children ready to listen.

• Even before nations existed, it seems God worked this humbling time into the pattern. Father Adam, after the fall, had many years of trial and sadness. He had his precious sons, Able and Cain, taken from him. One was murdered and the other was the murderer. He saw all his children turn from the Lord. It was one hundred and thirty years before Seth was born and more years before Adam knew for sure that Seth would be his righteous heir – before the fall produced hope.
  
  
• Abraham and Sarah desired children. At that time in the history of the world, to be childless was to be cut off from the generations – a stigma among all nations – a bondage and a curse. Yet after begin humbled Sarah bore a son to the hundred-year-old Abraham: Isaac, the children of the covenant. And then God told Abraham to take young Isaac, just as he was reaching the promise of manhood, and sacrifice him – an abomination to Abraham (who had nearly been sacrificed by his own father). What greater bondage could a loving father have been put into than to have to take the son he had prayed for, the son he had waited for a century to have, and sacrifice him? Yet the Lord did not stay his hand until the very last second.
  
  
• Abraham’s great-grandson Joseph became a ruler in Egypt but not before he was sold as a slave by his brothers, put through trials within the home of his master, thrown into prison, and nearly executed by a blanket sentence of death for the inability of the magicians to interpret the dreams of the pharaoh. The burdens of his suffering were never taken away, but the Lord made them bearable. Joseph made the best of a bad situation, knowing in whom he could trust.
  
  
• The children of Israel went from being guests in Egypt, favored because of Joseph, to being slaves under a grievous burden because they were perceived as a threat due to their vast number. Again, the Lord didn’t just step in with on behalf of His covenant people. They suffered terribly. They suffered until they accepted their suffering – until they turned to him instead of themselves. “And the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bondage, and they cried, and their cry came up unto God by reason of the bondage.” (Exodus 2: 23) And when they were finally sufficiently humble, He told Moses: “I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows; And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians” (Exodus 3: 7-8). Of course, they may not be the best examples, because they kept backsliding, but then so do most addicts. Maybe the fact that God continued patient with them is a cause for hope.
  
  
• Even the righteous were not exempt. The people who fled with Alma had formed a city in the wilderness. They lived in righteousness. Yet when they were discovered by the Lamanites, they were put under the rule of the wicked Amulon who hated Alma.

⁸ And now it came to pass that Amulon began to exercise authority over Alma and his brethren, and began to persecute him, and cause that his children should persecute their children.

¹⁰ And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

¹³ And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

¹⁴ And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

¹⁵ And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

(Mosiah 24: 8, 10, 13-15)

Finally the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by miraculous means, but He allowed them to go through humbling times even though they were already trying to live the gospel.

• In modern times, the Jews went through the nightmare we refer to as the Holocaust. Their prayers may have seemed unanswered but they were not. Once again, God seemed to have waited, using tools to help lighten the burden: Oscar Schindler, Miep Gies, Victor Kugler, Johannes Kleiman and Bep Voskuijl, and thousands of unnamed individuals, the allies, and the faith of those who refused to give in to despair. In the end, Hitler lost and the prisoners were freed.

I guess, in the end, it isn’t that we are waiting on the Lord to rescue us, but that He is waiting on us to be ready.