Step 1 - Hunger and thirst

Long ago a young man came to the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who was greatly sought out by young students for his wisdom. The young man came to him in search of truth. Socrates took the young man out into the ocean, then surprising the young man, grabbed him and held him under the water. The young man struggled, fighting against drowning. As his struggles weakened, Socrates finally, mercifully pulled him out of the water. Sputtering, choking, gasping for air, the shocked young man asked Socrates why he had done such a thing. Socrates answered: "When you want to know truth as much as you wanted air, come back."

Many variations of this story exist, along with many interpretations. I've used the story numerous times in teaching. It applies to addiction to. As a matter of fact, it applies to every aspect of life.

We think we want our freedom. Man, I'd love to quit drinking/smoking/watching porn/hurting people I love. I'd do anything if I could just quit. But in reality, until that need is as desperate for us as the need to breathe, we are going to get distracted. I guess that is what is meant when "they" say we have to hit bottom first. We've got to be drowning before we're ready to grab help.

Somewhere inside us, is an immortal soul. I believe that. You may call it something different. It is what makes us who we are and completely different from everyone else. And I know that I, for one, have spent a lot of time trying to ignore it; telling it to shut up. It's like have a little Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder that I keep trying to squish, not realizing he's trying to save me from turning into a jackass. But there it is, yelling at me in a whisper. And according to some scriptures, it can hunger.

Wow what a concept. Not only can my body hunger (which is another addiction I've had to worry about) but so can my soul. Now I've got to work that one out. How can my soul hunger?

I guess above everything else, my soul craves to know that God hasn't given up on me, that he still loves me. Sometimes I feel so alone and separate from both humanity and from heaven that I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

When I was young, I had "friends" (yeah, right) who took great delight in convincing me that there were brownies (a term at that time for another type of faerie - not the young girl scouts) around me that they could see, but I couldn't. I'd go to play and sit in a chair. They would SCREAM!!! I'd just sat on one of the brownies and squished it. Stupid, stupid, me! I couldn't see it. I didn't know. They went so far as to do a magical surgery to help me see the brownies. I snuck a pillow out of my house and took it to school and during recess they performed the magic rite. FAILURE! I still couldn't see the brownies. I was just hopeless.

I still feel echoes of fear that the fairy world that I wanted so bad to see but couldn't - because it didn't exist - would equate to God. Yet in my soul, I know He exists.

Yet, my hunger still exists - the hunger that was and is to feel like I belong somewhere in the universe. My emptiness is that I still don't.

Perhaps that is why I have the fascination for my vampire protector - because I have a reason not to belong then. I don't know. I wish I did. But even there I don't belong. Because my vampire isn't like any of those that I meet in the vampire rooms.

So I'm pushing myself, trying to fit in with normal life. Each little success helps. Each failure at least makes me feel. At least I'm trying. I guess that my hunger is there for a reason - to bring me back to a point where I can find the path home. And after all, that is the purpose of my journey.