I had made the decision not to post on weekends, but feel like I cheated by not doing so. Still, it gave me a lot of time to think - particularly because I ended by once again NOT going to bed until Monday morning.
I woke up thinking, "You did it again! Why?" Of course, that is the addicts lament which only verifies that I have to think seriously about this new aspect. Maybe I'm just addicted to sleep deprivation. No? Oh well.
I think what I'm learning is that Satan/the Devil/the Dark Side/Lucifer (put in your title) isn't stupid. Temptation is temptation because it is wrapped is pretty paper and decorated with our favorite distractions. It's the bright, shiny thing that catches our attention. Otherwise it would be easy to ignore.
Temptation is bad enough when it is something that we absolutely don't need. It is really annoying when we have to find the point of moderation. (We can live without alcohol. We can't live without food. You get the point.) Addicts don't tend to understand "moderation" terribly well.
Well Step 1 is about Honesty, so I've been trying to be honest this weekend. It sucks. LOL. That is a private joke that you may get a little later in this blog.
A good friend from the group told me that there is a hole inside us that we fill with our addiction. When we give up an addiction, we fill it with something else - sometimes with another addiction; hopefully with God. Others talk about getting rid of bad habits by replacing them with good habits. The point is, you can't just stop doing something - you have to take "action" - Do Something.
So, my addiction to Internet pain pornography has disappeared. YAY! I haven't had a problem in a long time. I thank the Lord and the group and my religious leader and my counselor and my loving, supportive family. But there is a voice back in my head that is trying to get my attention. Both my religious leader and my counselor have warned me about staying up late and the danger it puts me in of falling again. But here I am - up late - on the Internet...
So what am I doing? Well, don't worry, I'm just being social.
Uh-oh, it's onion time again, isn't it? Sigh. Let's peel away another layer.
For those of you who have never experience IMVU, it is a virtual reality instant messaging program with a twist. You create a world for yourself to live in, a personality, a home page, etc. You can create public rooms with themes that people visit. You can change your appearance and clothing. You can be anything: human or non-human. You can do almost anything: dance, fly, do magic. (Walking is a little problematic so you usually jump from place to place instead of just walking although certain places for a short walk programmed in.) For me that has provided three very seductive outlets. The second is easiest to explain, so I'll start there.
Many years ago, I was in an accident that put me in a wheelchair. Although I've gotten out of that abomination and am able to do most things again, dancing isn't one of them that I can do without a lot of pain. I used to be on a dance team many years ago and while I haven't had the social life in a long time to allow me to dance, my soul misses it something awful. In IMVU, I can dance. Granted, the dancing is a lot sexier than anything I would do in real life, I've found one room where they have put a couple of slow dance spots in (partially for me) so I visit there a lot. Probably too much, considering the theme of the room. I usually keep my visits short; maybe 30 minutes - something that was recently commented on. It made me feel wanted. As I said in a previous post, my character is quite popular. So I spend my nights dancing.
I'll move to the third reason (yes, obviously I'm avoiding the second - good guess). I have more than one account, more than one computer, and therefore I can play more than one character. I've created two characters from a book I wrote. (Yes, my counselor and my family tell me it's obvious that I am the one character, excluding one important aspect.) In my IMVU, these characters are very much in love. So besides filling my social life, IMVU has also fulfilled a non-existent love-life. Somehow, while I can't open up in real life, I can in this world. It isn't a threat.
Now to the hard one. In the dark time of my childhood - when I have so little memory, I created a protector. Sometimes it was someone outside of me. Sometimes it was myself. Always it was a vampire - someone nobody could mess with. But always the vampire was good - a creature of agency like any human who made a choice to overcome the worst part of his/my nature. In IMVU, I've recreated myself as that vampire. The rooms I visit are vampire rooms - but I've the more gentle one - the voice of reason - the never kill. I'm the addiction trying not to be controlled. I'm the dichotomy. Any IMVU lets me be. It's very seductive. While others let their real lives enter in, I've split mine in two. There are my real life and church related friends - with them I'm normal. There are those who know my vampire persona - I never break character, I never let myself peak through.
So now I've come full circle and the questions are more honest. Yes, there are some people that I'm helping, some friends I've found. Those are on the one side. There is no real guilt on that side, although it does sometimes keep me up late because sad things happen to people at bad times. But to be HONEST, that isn't what is causing my panic.
It's the vampire side, where I go dancing, and let my inner vampire out to play. Where I try to convince wannabees that violence and death aren't gifts. Where a person like me who was once diagnosed as passively suicidal, plays the immortal and almost wishes it possible - but only on my terms - without hurting anyone. Where all the love of the universe is embodied in someone that I've created, who loves me - again on my terms - sensually but with no sexuality involved. This is what scares me and draws me. This is what I love and want to be okay and am terrified is just another addiction. This is what I'm afraid that I'll have to give up. It is just a game? Or is it more?
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