That's when it's dangerous. When we think we get it. I didn't get it. I think I understand it better now. Let me share two scenarios.
First - the bully on the schoolyard. He swaggers over to you, surrounded by his peeps. He's twice your size (probably from everyone else's school lunches that he eats) although not all muscle. But then, even 50 pounds more fat than you way can effectively flatten you. He starts shoving you and calling you names. Eventually he pounds you into the ground right in front of the whole student body. Then he walks off laughing with his peeps in tow. Everyone slowly wanders off giggling about you until you are left alone, wishing you'd never been born. Sounds like a movie. Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, it also happens in real life.
Second - A parent on the playground. He walks over to you, where you are struggling, trying to stand. He puts out his fingers and you wrap your tiny hands around them. You try to pull yourself up but don't have enough strength yet. So he gently closes his hands around yours to protect you and pulls up just enough to extend your body and allow you to stand. Shakily, you pick up one foot. You would fall if he weren't holding you up. He shift both of your weight so that your uncertain foot moves forward just an inch and then slightly lowers his hand as your foot comes down to meet the ground and you take a faltering step.
In both cases, compared to the other person, you are nothing. You have no strength, no power, no ability. But what a difference in the potential of the path!
That is what Step 1 is trying to teach, I think. We are nothing with the help of God/our Higher Power. But with Him, we can win.
Without Him, I keep falling down. I keep missing my triggers. I even get to where I don't care. Without Him, my aloneness drives me crazy and I drift to where I accept what I know is wrong. I even crave it.
How do we fight that? My book asks: In what ways are you of infinite worth? My first response (always knee-jerk I'm afraid) was: "Who says I am?" The answer is a slap in the face - the scriptures do - therefore God does. Oops. Sorry.
Deep in my soul I feel such sorrow over my addiction - over sin - that I truly want to walk the path that my Heaven Father has dictated. I believe that He gave us commandment, not to restrict us, but to free us. Addicts should understand that. Our addictions make us prisoners. Get rid of the addictions and we feel an incredible freedom.
So here is what I have to remember.
I am a child of God and therefore - like all others who walk the earth - my loss to Him would be as sad as it would be to my earthly mother. I need to understand that - the feel that connection like I feel the one with my mother. I lost her last year and miss her so much. I need to realize that He feels about us that way.
Still, this is very hard for me. Relying on others, even God, is difficult. I'm a bit self-reliant to say the least.
"I know I'm bleeding but I'm fine, really."
At school once, I was reduced to living off a 5-pound bag of potatoes for a month. I did it. Never ask for help because there are other people who need it more. That's my motto.
So it is extremely frustrating to realize that, in the most important fight of my life, the fight against addiction, I can't rely on myself. I've always been taught to take responsibility for my actions. I'm good at that. I can damn myself in a heartbeat - frequently do. Bad me!
I'm caught in the quandary of knowing how many times I've failed and fearing that each time, all the weight of the previous times is heaped back upon my head. I cry out "Have mercy upon me!" but in my heart, I'm afraid of the next time I'm going to fall. I just don't know how to overcome that fear and become like a little child - trusting in Him to lead me through.
I'm trying and I'm getting better. To use AA terms, I've been "sober" for five months.
It's a beginning.
No comments:
Post a Comment