Step 1 - Encompassed by Temptations

Wow. Do you ever feel like the harder you try to avoid your addiction [for those of you are aren't addicts, replace "addiction" with "temptation"] the more likely it is to be waiting for you around the next corner, casually and seductively leaning against the wall, head cocked and smiling - just knowing you weren't expecting to find it there? There is a silent "gotcha" just waiting to swallow you whole. And it doesn't have to be when things are at their worst. At least not for me.

The sad thing is that for most of us, the addiction started out as our protector - sort of the one who protected us from that guy in the alley.

Imagine the movie Interview with the Vampire. There is the mortal Louie, drunk, passively suicidal, stumbling along the dark streets with a prostitute when her pimp throws him against a wall, pulls a knife, and threatens to rob him or kill him. Enter Louie's future addiction in the form of the vampire Lestat, who rescues Louie and turns him into the future blood-a-holic.

Once upon a time, there was a reason we turned to our addictions. The problem is: we didn't recognize them for the murderers they were.

Eventually the addiction turns from the rescuer to the stalker. It's like every bad horror movie you've ever seen. We know the monster is there, waiting, hungry... We even try to warn the character. "No, don't go into the room!!" They never listen. They die.

Sometimes we are lucky and we hear the faint warning voice in our head warning us about the monster. Sometimes we even listen. I guess that is what the addiction recovery group has become for me - that voice that is somehow getting through, warning me about the monster - reminding me it is a monster and not an old friend.

But they can't be there all the time so one of the first things I've had to do is figure out when and why I most feel encompassed or trapped. My first answer came quickly: "I don't know."

I found that has almost always been my first answer. I guess I'm trying to avoid the truth. Digging hurts.

Digging means levels.

For me, warning beacons are loneliness, depression, illness, and night. There, that takes care of that. But what about loneliness, depressions, illness, and night triggers my addiction? And what triggers depression and loneliness? And how can I avoid night??? Or illness for that matter?

I peeled off a layer of the onion and cried.

Okay. Let's start with illness - that should be pretty easy. It makes sense that if I get sick, my defenses are down. But I can't help it if I get sick! Except that I frequently don't go to bed until 5 or 6 in the morning: I'm like a kid who is exhausted, yet fights against going to bed, kicking and screaming the whole time, "I'm not tirrreeeeedddddddd." And no, I don't have insomnia. The second my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep. I just don't seem able to force myself into the bedroom. So I guess I could do a lot to help my health. Sleep, exercise, nutrition. DRAT! In other words, I'm making myself sick?

I peeled off another layer of the onion and cried.

So, if I took care of my health, it would also serve to take me out of harm's way late at night. Sigh.

As I'm sitting here, thinking, I realize a new layer. I'm dealing with more than one addiction. You see, I stay up so late because of the loneliness. I have no social life. I'm not sure whether it's because I've forgotten how or because I'm too boring in real life, but I spend most of my life in my house. Trying to socialize actually causes me panic. Going outside doesn't. That isn't the problem. I just seem to lack the social skills. But I've created a social life online. It's anonymous. I'm not me. I'm not even human. And that being seems to be quite popular. And that... is addicting.

And once again I'm faced with a rescuer that is becoming a stalker. Some addictions are easier than others - don't get me wrong - I don't mean easier to deal with, I mean easier to judge. For example: if you are an alcoholic, as hard as the path is going to be, you know the only way is to quit drinking altogether. But if your addiction is food, you can't quit eating. With my addiction to pain and related pornography, I know I have to quit that all together. But with my social time on the Internet - there are times that I do good. I've talked to other addicts and maybe even helped. I talk to real life friends as well. Does giving that up completely help or destroy?

I don't have the answers. I'm looking too. Your thoughts are welcome.