Step 2 - Hope

The first time I finally stumbled forward toward Step Two, Hope was the one thing I didn't feel. Again, one thing my father taught me was responsibility. You screw up - you take responsibility. My father was a good man and a master teacher.

When I was seventeen (I think - I know I wasn't eighteen yet because I was still a "juvenile") our family car had a little glitch - no speedometer. We also had a standing rule - get a ticket - lose your license. Dad didn't believe in playing around behind the wheel. Well, I figured out a way to work around the broken speedometer. You just make sure you are going a little slower than the rest of the traffic. Right? Should have worked. I was going down a street near our house. I could see the police car sitting, just waiting for ticket-fodder to whip by him. It wasn't going to be me. Following my habit, I was going slower than the other car traveling the same path. He passed the police car, widening the gap between us. Then I passed. The police car pulled out behind me, passed, and began following the other car, flashing his lights. I thought: "Whew. Good thing I was going slower." Unfortunately, when I got up to the intersection where the police car had pulled him over, he signaled me to pull over as well.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Dad had taught me honesty, so I honestly answered. "No, my speedometer is broken, so I was going slower than the other traffic."

He informed me that I was still speeding, gave me a ticket with a summons, requiring me to appear in juvenile court. I was sick to my stomach. This meant I would lose my driving privileges and it wasn't my fault. It was my dad's stupid car and his responsibility to make sure the speedometer worked. It wasn't my fault!

And you have to admit - I was right.

But my father taught me a wonderful lesson. Once I had calmed down and gotten over the terror, upset, anger - whatever, we talked. He tried to convince me that I had to go into court and accept the responsibility for my actions.

That did not sit well with me. It was not my fault.

He tried again. He was not going to suspend my privileges because it was his car and he should have fixed the problem. But I had to face the judge because I had chosen to drive the car knowing that the speedometer didn't work. I thought I was clever enough to deal with the problem and I wasn't. I needed to face up to that. I hadn't been experienced enough to gauge my speed and I had to accept the RESPONSIBILITY.

I was furious. By the time I had to appear at court, I was still upset. I was still certain that I was guiltless - innocent. But when I walked into court, I was faced with either making excuses or accepting responsibility and somehow daddy's words had gotten through. I didn't make any excuses. I realized I was driving at an excessive speed, regardless of why. Me. No one else.

The judge decided that my willingness to accept that responsibility was sufficient. There was a three-month period after which, if I didn't get another ticket, my record would be expunged.

So personal responsibility has become a major part of who I am. And suddenly, in Step One, I had to admit that I couldn't do it on my own. I know - they aren't the same thing. But in my mind, they were. And that realization left me hopeless. All my life, I'd known people could count on me. Now I couldn't even count on myself.

Unfortunately, this step, which should have brought light to darkness and relief to pain, was far more difficult than Step One had been.

KEY PRINCIPLE:
"Come to believe that the power of God
can restore you to complete spiritual health."

Alcoholics Anonymous version:
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I had absolutely no doubt of that. My faith in the power of God to heal is absolute - for everyone else. How can you trust God to restore you when you don't even realize you are mad at Him? I guess anger was the emotion I had to get through the most: anger at my weakness, anger at my grandfather, anger at me for being angry at my grandfather without perfect knowledge, anger at God, anger at me for being angry at God.... Should I go on?

Pray; read and ponder the scriptures

I loved something I heard in a talk recently. One woman said that her mother told her that it was more helpful to read one scripture every day - consistently - and the read an hour a day for a couple of days and then quit reading because you can't find the time (or burn out or whatever). I like that. First, I dare you to read one scripture. It's almost like the old Lay's potato chip commercials: "Bet you can't eat just one." I'm not saying you'll read an hour because you're too fascinated to put it down (especially during Numbers) but if you don't feel the sharpened pendulum of time bearing down on you, you'll read more than you think. I do. I try to read a chapter a day now and sometimes realize I've read two. It's not a great feat - but it is something. If you are still struggling with your "higher power" do whatever it is you need to do to get closer to that higher power.

My anger was really holding me back on this step. I wasn't alone. There was a kindred spirit in the group. One day the facilitator told us that if we were having problems with faith in God, it didn't matter. He didn't care if our higher power were a screwdriver. That was fine. Work with that. That is paraphrasing quite a bit but the point is: do whatever you have to do to make the connection - to find the faith to be healed. The scriptures are like food for the soul: they help supply little daily portions of faith. Alone it isn't enough. But it sure adds strength.

Believe in God the Eternal Father and in His Son,
Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost

For me then, the challenge came down to this. Oh, I believe in them, all right. My problem was that, I wasn't sure they believed in me.