Although the 12-Step Program was written for alcoholics and drug addicts, my church has adapted it for use with other addictions, for which I am eternally grateful. Alcohol and drugs aren't the only things that can destroy lives.
Honesty is the first step in the 12-step program. But before you can admit you are powerless, you have to recognize you have a problem. Ah - that's where a lot of people have problems. In my case, I knew I had a problem - I just thought it was insanity.
I was away at school when all hell broke loose. I ended up going in for counseling, a little afraid the counselor would have me committed. Luckily she didn't think I was quite a crazy as I did. Foolish woman!
I still don't know the truth of what came out of the counseling, and therapists (good therapists) that I've had since have convinced me that I don't need to know. I just have to deal with the consequences.
Suffice it to say, I display the symptoms of an incest victim. I'm terrified of the concept of sex, even intimacy. The boyfriends I've had in the past have slowly given up even trying to hold my hand. Friendships I could maintain, but trust was another matter all together. But while sex frightens and even repulses me, pornography of a painful nature seduces me. Bondage and torture pull me toward them as long as actual sex is not involved - just pain. And acting on those impulses to cause myself pain became a terrible secret that I hid from the world.
I also have almost no memory of my childhood, with only tiny glimpses - flashes really. It used to be my biggest frustration. People would walk up to me and talk to me like we were good friends - only I had no idea who they were and didn't share the memories they were discussing. I'd jump into my "actor" role, nodding my head, trying to pretend like we were actually in the same universe. We'd part with them thinking we'd relived fun times and me frustrated and perplexed by another trip to the Twilight Zone.
The only actual memories that have come back have to do with a grandfather. One was a strong sense of smell: alcohol and tobacco. He was an alcoholic. I understand now. When he was drunk, he did things - tried to molest my sister, tried to molest my mother, had an affair with his sister-in-law - things he would never try when he was sober. I hate alcohol.
The other memory was so upsetting and visceral that it made me physically sick. I don't want any more memories.
Finally, I've come to understand and believe that my memory problems are a gentle gift from my Heavenly Father. (For those of you in AA - my higher power.) I now believe He has taken those memories that I can't deal with and wrapped them in velvet darkness and hidden them away for my protection. I don't need them anymore. What I need is to get over them and get on with my life.
So my journal began many years ago with the first step of honesty - accepting that something happened, something that irrevocably changed me. But it has taken many years for me to get past that realization - to accept this one truth. It isn't in any handbook but it is become my focus in life.
It happened. Bad things happen all the time. It's done and can't be undone. It no longer matters. What matters now is what I choose to do now. Do I choose to pretend that what I am is all someone else's fault? Or do I accept responsibility for my life and make myself into the person I want to be.
I know, that doesn't sound like I'm listening to the first step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable;" or my church's version of the step: "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable."
I guess it is my version, which I think is the same thing: I admit that of myself, without the help of God, I am powerless to take responsibility for my life and overcome my addictions. My life has become unmanageable, but with God nothing is impossible.
(Continued in "In the Beginning: Part 3 - Getting Through it")
No comments:
Post a Comment