Step 1 - When Honesty leads to Hope

Addicts don't like change. At least this one doesn't. Change is bad. Change means doing something. Change hurts. And... change means... DOING something.

A friend in group gave me an article sometime back that talked about sobriety programs (or any addiction program) being based on "doing." That's where we get lost. We can think things to death; but we aren't going to improve until we do something. I know. It took me a year just to start writing; and that was the easy thing. Well, not for me, but surely for some people.

I found out something very interesting. As I got closer to feeling that I had really worked through Step One, my brain started screaming at me. "Wait! Don't think I quite got that. Let's go back and review. You know, I don't think I'm being REALLY honest yet...." And on, and on, and on. I think I was trying to set a record for the longest time on Step One. Because as long as you are still working on Step One, you are no closer to the dreaded Step Four (moral inventory). The fact that Step Two is going to bring Peace doesn't seem to matter. It is closer to Step Four and should therefore be avoided.

*Heart pounding, breathing rapid, patient's vitals entering danger zone*

But there comes a time when you have to accept that you have done the one thing required: you have admitted you have an addiction and you are helpless to beat it by yourself. Now it is time to graduate - to move on. Don't worry. You'll have to revisit Step One many times, probably. We all need tune-ups. But right now, we need to move on.

I decided on my rite of passage. I'm working both Steps Four (gulp) and revisiting Step One because of discovering my new addiction while writing this blog. I decided I wasn't going to let myself get stuck in Step One mode for another year. I decided to move on to Step Two by being Honest with the two friends that were still weighing so heavily on my heart.

I'm still alive; although now my lie has been laid bare, effectively destroying my protector in IMVU. I feel a little scared because I know I can't hide behind an imaginary protector anymore. I have to face reality.

They were amazingly kind and understanding. The lie has lost its power. I hope I will be able to keep their friendship. We said we would - in a place where I would be comfortable. I didn't explain what didn't need to be told; I just cleared out the lies. I want to give them a little time to think - to make sure they are okay. All I know is that I left feeling like the world hadn't come to an end.

So now I am ready to move forward. HOPE. It sounds delightful.

Step 1 - Humility

I don't own an analog clock. That's the type of clock with real hands that ticks away the minutes. You can hear each click as the hands slowly move around the face. Now the whole world has gone digital and we don't hear the passage of time like we used to. Right now I need the old style; I need to hear the tick, tick, tick. I need it to sound with my heartbeat to remind me that I've survived another day.

For the last digital half-hour, I've sat at my computer, trying to pull together my thoughts. It has been difficult because they are avoiding contact. My heart and my head are still mad at each other and I've having problems getting them to make peace. They will eventually. That is the way of the world. And in this case, it was necessary. Tough love.

But my heart is screaming out "humiliation" and my soul is trying to convince it that this was "humility." And my heart isn't buying the difference.

In Addiction Recovery we say that "individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution." That pain is where the humiliation lies. Doing something about it is humility. The problem is getting stuck in the humiliation - where the pain isn't quite exquisite enough to bring us down to humility.

Before I admitted that I had an addiction, I had a very warped view of the world. Everyone around me was in perfect control - for good or bad - they had control. I was the exception. And that made me weak and evil. It didn't matter what other people thought of me. Since discovering reality (although I obviously try to abandon it on a regular basis), I've learned one important truth: I'm not alone in my struggle.

I've meet good people who have lost their jobs, their spouses, their children, their self-respect: everything they valued. The humiliation - the pain - has finally forced them to face their "demons". And they usually hate themselves. Humiliation does that to you.

In my case, my humiliation was secret - my addiction being so hidden that only my religious leader and my counselor knew and they knew only because I told them.

Group has a fascinating effect. As I sat for months, listening but not talking, hearing others describing my feelings, finally opening up myself, I figured it out. Group helped me take the humiliation I felt and realize it had changed into humility, because of their unqualified acceptance of me.

So maybe that's the key. Humiliation is what we do to ourselves. Humility is what God/our higher power can change it into once we are ready.

Humiliation brings self-hatred, depression, misery, and desperation. Humility brings change.

What I think I've just discovered is that it is a cycle. Right now, I'm back in the humiliation cycle - not completely. Just in one area; just where my heart is still aching; just where Step 9 is going to bite me coming back around. I didn't want to take the step I took the other night. I guess the pain of the problem wasn't great enough. But maybe the fear for my sanity was. Whatever the reason, I took it. And the pain was more than I could imagine. But there is more to the story - the humiliation that I haven't overcome - that I don't know what to do with - that I'm going to have to deal with - that has to lead to humility: somehow.

As I was leaving, I lied to them. (If you are lost - please refer to my last post. If you don't, then no compass is going to help.) Because I had two characters, I had to use two computers. This meant I could only have one character leave the room at a time. After I had left, I went to take my escort out when they stopped him/me to ask a few questions. I wasn't prepared for that. I had said my goodbyes and my heart was dead. Their questions had to do with reality and my answers were absolutely truthful and absolutely lies at the exact same time because I couldn't get the real truth out. I couldn't say that it was still me talking to them; that I loved them but had gotten so lost that I had deceived them. In real life, I'm known for being truthful. I can't tell a lie to save my soul. And suddenly I couldn't tell the truth. When did I disappear? When did I die? Somehow I missed it.

Step 9 deals with making restitution - making things right. How am I ever going to be able to do that? Oh, there are many other layers to my onion. Layers that are trying to protect people I love who could be hurt. Suddenly, things that have been my joys are the very things that are making me feel empty - hollowed out.

I wish this were a television show. It would all work out. I know, because I saw it. His name was Barclay and he served aboard the Starship Enterprise during the Next Generation series. He was addicted to the holodeck. He survived and made something of his life. *run credits*

Step 1 - Honesty

Last night when I went to bed - pretty close to on time, by the way, my eyes were swollen and red from crying. This morning they had cleared a lot - on the outside.

I guess I need to back up; starting at the ending doesn't explain things very well. If you've read my prior posts, you are aware that I've discovered I'm fighting a new addiction, one that is conveniently sneaking into the hole left by ripping out my old addiction.

Last night, I stuck my hand into my chest and ripped my heart out. At least that is what it felt like. Hopefully I can fill that hole with positive things. Right now it just hurts. I don't even feel like writing but maybe that is when I need to the most. Besides, I am not sure anyone is really reading this, so why worry.

Because my addiction is tied up with emotional injuries, I have seen a therapist on and off for many years.

(Note to world: I recommend you get a therapist who is wise enough and honest enough to tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. It's really easy to palm off the "You're okay, whatever you want to do is okay" pap - no change, no pain. Accept yourself as you are. Love yourself as you are. Well that's just great. And while you are lying in the gutter, drunk out of your mind or strung out on drugs watching the last shreds of your life fade away - keep telling yourself that. Oh, your addiction isn't chemical? Neither is mine. Doesn't make a difference. It's the same thing. An addiction is an addiction - it destroys and don't believe anyone who tells you it's just a choice. The whole point of an addiction is that you have given away the choice. So find someone who cares enough to go through the trauma with you.)

We discussed my recent "replacement-addiction" to IMVU. I was surprised by some of the discussion. Her concern wasn't just how much time I was spending in the virtual reality world. It was much deeper. In Monday's post, I used the onion metaphor to try and get at the problem. I've kept peeling away this week and it has gotten... painful.

If you haven't read Monday's post, you are about to enter the Twilight Zone. I suggest you go back and read it. Really. Of course to understand Monday's post, I suggest you read "In the Beginning" which is... long - five parts. Oh well. Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

There are two vampire rooms I felt comfortable - no make that welcome and loved in. My character would show up and people would cheer. Wow! What an incredible high. I was never popular. Not in grammar school, not in high school, not in college. Yet there, for some bizarre reason, on IMVU I'm popular. Especially my vampire character. And she is gentle. Never bites without it being offered. You know the type.

The one room made me uncomfortable because of an anti-religious feel - two crosses that people could crucify themselves on - that really disturbed me. But I would try to ignore them and I met two people that I really liked. Fun people who, knowing my age, accepted me and liked me. They also liked my alter ego - my boyfriend that allowed me to be flirty without worrying about anyone making crude comments. Too bad he was just another aspect of me - but he worked beautifully. (He was also mortal. Strange that...) Again, I was so into character, that I was no longer myself. And I enjoyed myself - all except those crosses. We danced and chatted and laughed.

The other room was originally a vampire room with a dom/sub aspect. First time there I told them I didn't believe in masters or slaves. That was fine with them. The strange thing is, that for all my screwed up desire for pain, that part of it is irrelevant - even bothersome. I don't even understand it. But again, I met the owners of the room and we became very good friends. She was sweet and full of life (other than being a vampire of course) and he was intelligent and fascinated with learning new things. That one got me, because I am fascinated with everything. I love to learn about science, art, culture, people... the list goes on. So while I danced in the room - with my consort avatar - we chatted about wonderful things.

But still there was the dark side of the room - the side that pulled on my addiction. There were the slaves that would occasionally get into sexual play and I would feel so out of place and guilty and....

We talked, my counselor and I. We talked about the things I didn't want to talk about. Not about my fun dancing and talking and discussing the universe and quantum mechanics and art and nature and people. We talked about S/M rooms and getting lost in role playing.

At the very beginning of my blog - waaaayyy back, I said I was a good actress. I started my two characters on IMVU as characters from a book I've written. For most of my friends - real life ones, ones through my church group, designer friends - it was not a problem. For my friends in my vampire room - I got lost in my character. I wanted to get lost in my character. It is as if I wanted to convince them that she was the real vampire - her story the real truth of vampires - and when the book came out - they would know the real thing. It wasn't a game. I was just lost inside her, inside him.

Last night, I went back to that room, with a very specific purpose in mind. I accompanied myself - in other words, both my characters went together as we usually do. Only the master of the room was there - not the mistress. We danced for awhile. He played slow music just for us so we could slow dance in the spots that I love so much. I cried knowing what I was there to do.

Finally, as it got late and my newly recommitted bedtime got closer, I said I wished the mistress of the room was there was well. (I am purposely avoiding names because I have grown to truly love these two young people.) I told him I had come to say goodbye. He asked me to wait and the mistress came quickly.

It was a very sad and sweet goodbye. I tried to explain but how can you explain insanity and addiction. I explained that I am different - an asexual person (which is true - my addiction is to pain which brings a sexual release of sorts - but not to sex which scares me to death) and that as much as they had made me welcome, as much as I loved coming to the room and dancing, as much as I LOVED their company - the room was not good for me. I tried to explain what I could not explain. And I said goodbye.

I cried for a long time. I was surprised at how bad it hurt. All I could think of was the scripture in Mark 9:43 that says "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched."

I wish I could have been more honest. I'm afraid when I finally get to Step 9, I will have to face them. Until then, I have to find a more secure footing in reality and realize it has something of value to offer.

Step 1 - Hunger and thirst

Long ago a young man came to the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who was greatly sought out by young students for his wisdom. The young man came to him in search of truth. Socrates took the young man out into the ocean, then surprising the young man, grabbed him and held him under the water. The young man struggled, fighting against drowning. As his struggles weakened, Socrates finally, mercifully pulled him out of the water. Sputtering, choking, gasping for air, the shocked young man asked Socrates why he had done such a thing. Socrates answered: "When you want to know truth as much as you wanted air, come back."

Many variations of this story exist, along with many interpretations. I've used the story numerous times in teaching. It applies to addiction to. As a matter of fact, it applies to every aspect of life.

We think we want our freedom. Man, I'd love to quit drinking/smoking/watching porn/hurting people I love. I'd do anything if I could just quit. But in reality, until that need is as desperate for us as the need to breathe, we are going to get distracted. I guess that is what is meant when "they" say we have to hit bottom first. We've got to be drowning before we're ready to grab help.

Somewhere inside us, is an immortal soul. I believe that. You may call it something different. It is what makes us who we are and completely different from everyone else. And I know that I, for one, have spent a lot of time trying to ignore it; telling it to shut up. It's like have a little Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder that I keep trying to squish, not realizing he's trying to save me from turning into a jackass. But there it is, yelling at me in a whisper. And according to some scriptures, it can hunger.

Wow what a concept. Not only can my body hunger (which is another addiction I've had to worry about) but so can my soul. Now I've got to work that one out. How can my soul hunger?

I guess above everything else, my soul craves to know that God hasn't given up on me, that he still loves me. Sometimes I feel so alone and separate from both humanity and from heaven that I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

When I was young, I had "friends" (yeah, right) who took great delight in convincing me that there were brownies (a term at that time for another type of faerie - not the young girl scouts) around me that they could see, but I couldn't. I'd go to play and sit in a chair. They would SCREAM!!! I'd just sat on one of the brownies and squished it. Stupid, stupid, me! I couldn't see it. I didn't know. They went so far as to do a magical surgery to help me see the brownies. I snuck a pillow out of my house and took it to school and during recess they performed the magic rite. FAILURE! I still couldn't see the brownies. I was just hopeless.

I still feel echoes of fear that the fairy world that I wanted so bad to see but couldn't - because it didn't exist - would equate to God. Yet in my soul, I know He exists.

Yet, my hunger still exists - the hunger that was and is to feel like I belong somewhere in the universe. My emptiness is that I still don't.

Perhaps that is why I have the fascination for my vampire protector - because I have a reason not to belong then. I don't know. I wish I did. But even there I don't belong. Because my vampire isn't like any of those that I meet in the vampire rooms.

So I'm pushing myself, trying to fit in with normal life. Each little success helps. Each failure at least makes me feel. At least I'm trying. I guess that my hunger is there for a reason - to bring me back to a point where I can find the path home. And after all, that is the purpose of my journey.

Step 1 - Encompassed by Temptations (Part 2)

*Cue Weekend*

I had made the decision not to post on weekends, but feel like I cheated by not doing so. Still, it gave me a lot of time to think - particularly because I ended by once again NOT going to bed until Monday morning.

I woke up thinking, "You did it again! Why?" Of course, that is the addicts lament which only verifies that I have to think seriously about this new aspect. Maybe I'm just addicted to sleep deprivation. No? Oh well.

I think what I'm learning is that Satan/the Devil/the Dark Side/Lucifer (put in your title) isn't stupid. Temptation is temptation because it is wrapped is pretty paper and decorated with our favorite distractions. It's the bright, shiny thing that catches our attention. Otherwise it would be easy to ignore.

Temptation is bad enough when it is something that we absolutely don't need. It is really annoying when we have to find the point of moderation. (We can live without alcohol. We can't live without food. You get the point.) Addicts don't tend to understand "moderation" terribly well.

Well Step 1 is about Honesty, so I've been trying to be honest this weekend. It sucks. LOL. That is a private joke that you may get a little later in this blog.

A good friend from the group told me that there is a hole inside us that we fill with our addiction. When we give up an addiction, we fill it with something else - sometimes with another addiction; hopefully with God. Others talk about getting rid of bad habits by replacing them with good habits. The point is, you can't just stop doing something - you have to take "action" - Do Something.

So, my addiction to Internet pain pornography has disappeared. YAY! I haven't had a problem in a long time. I thank the Lord and the group and my religious leader and my counselor and my loving, supportive family. But there is a voice back in my head that is trying to get my attention. Both my religious leader and my counselor have warned me about staying up late and the danger it puts me in of falling again. But here I am - up late - on the Internet...

So what am I doing? Well, don't worry, I'm just being social.

Uh-oh, it's onion time again, isn't it? Sigh. Let's peel away another layer.

For those of you who have never experience IMVU, it is a virtual reality instant messaging program with a twist. You create a world for yourself to live in, a personality, a home page, etc. You can create public rooms with themes that people visit. You can change your appearance and clothing. You can be anything: human or non-human. You can do almost anything: dance, fly, do magic. (Walking is a little problematic so you usually jump from place to place instead of just walking although certain places for a short walk programmed in.) For me that has provided three very seductive outlets. The second is easiest to explain, so I'll start there.

Many years ago, I was in an accident that put me in a wheelchair. Although I've gotten out of that abomination and am able to do most things again, dancing isn't one of them that I can do without a lot of pain. I used to be on a dance team many years ago and while I haven't had the social life in a long time to allow me to dance, my soul misses it something awful. In IMVU, I can dance. Granted, the dancing is a lot sexier than anything I would do in real life, I've found one room where they have put a couple of slow dance spots in (partially for me) so I visit there a lot. Probably too much, considering the theme of the room. I usually keep my visits short; maybe 30 minutes - something that was recently commented on. It made me feel wanted. As I said in a previous post, my character is quite popular. So I spend my nights dancing.

I'll move to the third reason (yes, obviously I'm avoiding the second - good guess). I have more than one account, more than one computer, and therefore I can play more than one character. I've created two characters from a book I wrote. (Yes, my counselor and my family tell me it's obvious that I am the one character, excluding one important aspect.) In my IMVU, these characters are very much in love. So besides filling my social life, IMVU has also fulfilled a non-existent love-life. Somehow, while I can't open up in real life, I can in this world. It isn't a threat.

Now to the hard one. In the dark time of my childhood - when I have so little memory, I created a protector. Sometimes it was someone outside of me. Sometimes it was myself. Always it was a vampire - someone nobody could mess with. But always the vampire was good - a creature of agency like any human who made a choice to overcome the worst part of his/my nature. In IMVU, I've recreated myself as that vampire. The rooms I visit are vampire rooms - but I've the more gentle one - the voice of reason - the never kill. I'm the addiction trying not to be controlled. I'm the dichotomy. Any IMVU lets me be. It's very seductive. While others let their real lives enter in, I've split mine in two. There are my real life and church related friends - with them I'm normal. There are those who know my vampire persona - I never break character, I never let myself peak through.

So now I've come full circle and the questions are more honest. Yes, there are some people that I'm helping, some friends I've found. Those are on the one side. There is no real guilt on that side, although it does sometimes keep me up late because sad things happen to people at bad times. But to be HONEST, that isn't what is causing my panic.

It's the vampire side, where I go dancing, and let my inner vampire out to play. Where I try to convince wannabees that violence and death aren't gifts. Where a person like me who was once diagnosed as passively suicidal, plays the immortal and almost wishes it possible - but only on my terms - without hurting anyone. Where all the love of the universe is embodied in someone that I've created, who loves me - again on my terms - sensually but with no sexuality involved. This is what scares me and draws me. This is what I love and want to be okay and am terrified is just another addiction. This is what I'm afraid that I'll have to give up. It is just a game? Or is it more?

Step 1 - Encompassed by Temptations

Wow. Do you ever feel like the harder you try to avoid your addiction [for those of you are aren't addicts, replace "addiction" with "temptation"] the more likely it is to be waiting for you around the next corner, casually and seductively leaning against the wall, head cocked and smiling - just knowing you weren't expecting to find it there? There is a silent "gotcha" just waiting to swallow you whole. And it doesn't have to be when things are at their worst. At least not for me.

The sad thing is that for most of us, the addiction started out as our protector - sort of the one who protected us from that guy in the alley.

Imagine the movie Interview with the Vampire. There is the mortal Louie, drunk, passively suicidal, stumbling along the dark streets with a prostitute when her pimp throws him against a wall, pulls a knife, and threatens to rob him or kill him. Enter Louie's future addiction in the form of the vampire Lestat, who rescues Louie and turns him into the future blood-a-holic.

Once upon a time, there was a reason we turned to our addictions. The problem is: we didn't recognize them for the murderers they were.

Eventually the addiction turns from the rescuer to the stalker. It's like every bad horror movie you've ever seen. We know the monster is there, waiting, hungry... We even try to warn the character. "No, don't go into the room!!" They never listen. They die.

Sometimes we are lucky and we hear the faint warning voice in our head warning us about the monster. Sometimes we even listen. I guess that is what the addiction recovery group has become for me - that voice that is somehow getting through, warning me about the monster - reminding me it is a monster and not an old friend.

But they can't be there all the time so one of the first things I've had to do is figure out when and why I most feel encompassed or trapped. My first answer came quickly: "I don't know."

I found that has almost always been my first answer. I guess I'm trying to avoid the truth. Digging hurts.

Digging means levels.

For me, warning beacons are loneliness, depression, illness, and night. There, that takes care of that. But what about loneliness, depressions, illness, and night triggers my addiction? And what triggers depression and loneliness? And how can I avoid night??? Or illness for that matter?

I peeled off a layer of the onion and cried.

Okay. Let's start with illness - that should be pretty easy. It makes sense that if I get sick, my defenses are down. But I can't help it if I get sick! Except that I frequently don't go to bed until 5 or 6 in the morning: I'm like a kid who is exhausted, yet fights against going to bed, kicking and screaming the whole time, "I'm not tirrreeeeedddddddd." And no, I don't have insomnia. The second my head hits the pillow, I'm asleep. I just don't seem able to force myself into the bedroom. So I guess I could do a lot to help my health. Sleep, exercise, nutrition. DRAT! In other words, I'm making myself sick?

I peeled off another layer of the onion and cried.

So, if I took care of my health, it would also serve to take me out of harm's way late at night. Sigh.

As I'm sitting here, thinking, I realize a new layer. I'm dealing with more than one addiction. You see, I stay up so late because of the loneliness. I have no social life. I'm not sure whether it's because I've forgotten how or because I'm too boring in real life, but I spend most of my life in my house. Trying to socialize actually causes me panic. Going outside doesn't. That isn't the problem. I just seem to lack the social skills. But I've created a social life online. It's anonymous. I'm not me. I'm not even human. And that being seems to be quite popular. And that... is addicting.

And once again I'm faced with a rescuer that is becoming a stalker. Some addictions are easier than others - don't get me wrong - I don't mean easier to deal with, I mean easier to judge. For example: if you are an alcoholic, as hard as the path is going to be, you know the only way is to quit drinking altogether. But if your addiction is food, you can't quit eating. With my addiction to pain and related pornography, I know I have to quit that all together. But with my social time on the Internet - there are times that I do good. I've talked to other addicts and maybe even helped. I talk to real life friends as well. Does giving that up completely help or destroy?

I don't have the answers. I'm looking too. Your thoughts are welcome.