Step 4 - "The truth shall make you free"

The world would have us believe that telling the truth is hard. It gets you into trouble. As a child we learn that lesson very quickly. We soon discovery our dearly friend Mr. Nobody on whom we blame all our little sins so as to avoid punishment. When I was young, I read the poem “Mr. Nobody” and thought how cute it was. Now, as an addict, I think how sadly true it is.

Mr. Nobody
I know a funny little man, As quiet as a mouse, Who does the mischief that is done In everybody's house. There's no one ever sees his face, And yet we all agree That every plate we break was cracked By Mr. Nobody.	He puts damp wood upon the fire, That kettles cannot boil; His are the feet that bring in mud, And all the carpets soil. The papers always are mislaid, Who had them last but he? There's no one tosses them about But Mr. Nobody.
'Tis he who always tears our books, Who leaves the door ajar, He pulls the buttons from our shirts, And scatters pins afar; That squeaking door will always squeak, For prithee, don't you see, We leave the oiling to be done By Mr. Nobody.	The finger marks upon the doors By none of us are made; We never leave the blinds unclosed, To let the curtains fade. The ink we never spill; the boots That lying round you see Are not our boots; – they all belong To Mr. Nobody.
Anonymous Attributed to: The Massillon Independent Wednesday, June 09, 1869 Massillon, Ohio Contributed by Ilza, February 14, 2006, http://www.emule.com/2poetry/phorum/read.php?7,153292

Somehow we learn that lying keeps us out of trouble. Unfortunately, we seem oblivious to the fact that lying is self-perpetuating. One lie requires a second to back it up and that one requires a third. Complete honesty, even when advocated, is shown to cause major problems. Jim Carrey starred in the movie Liar, Liar where he played an incorrigible liar who, because of his son’s magic wish, cannot lie for twenty-four hours. Blatant truth gets him into nothing but trouble. Somehow he learns that he needs to tell the truth but that is through the convolutions of Hollywood, because within the storyline, truth only got him into terrible trouble.

Do I admit I broke the dish or do I lie to keep from getting into trouble? Do I lie to protect someone else’s feelings? At what point does that altruism deteriorate into an excuse for “Do I lie to avoid confrontation?” The shades of gray get murkier all the time. The boss says: “Tell them I’m in a meeting.” The parent tells the child: “Tell them I’m not home.” We have become a society that worships the “white lie.” Even the “honest man” seems to think nothing of stretching the truth on his taxes or pushing the speed limit. And it goes on and on.

But the innocent white lie soon requires the more robust grey lie and eventually can’t be distinguished for the lies we tell ourselves as addicts.

So when John said “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” he may well have been talking about everything in our lives, not just the doctrines of Christ. Facing the truth of our past and our addictions is the first step to breaking the chains of the lies that have bound us. “I’m not strong enough…” “I just need one last hit…” “I’m not hurting anyone but myself…” “No one else understands…”

Break the chain of lies and we gain the hope of freedom – faith multiplied to infinity! Jesus Christ is the exemplar of truth. To recognize truth is to begin to know Him.

Step 4 - Weakness and strength

There is a scripture that I have come to believe and understand:

“I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

When I was young, I suffered teasing and isolation. I don’t have enough memory to know why I was the bunt of practical jokes or why I had so few friends. I know my mother says she cried often because I would come home from school and hide myself away in my room, crying. What I don’t have are any happy memories of school.

But as I look back at those painful times, I realize that the teasing and isolation that I suffered as a child made me empathetic to the suffering of others – made me desperate to avoid hurting anyone else like I had been hurt. What was a miserable time of my life forged what is probably my best trait. I think this is an example of a weakness becoming strength. If something good can come from that sadness, maybe the Lord really can take what I am going through and turn it around into something good.

When we overcome a weakness, we find the strength that the Lord has planted inside of us; we discover His hand within our lives. It is in the trial of fire that the strength of iron is forged. It is in the season of scarcity that the strength of roots grows deep. It is by facing our weakness and turning to the Lord that He can give us strength.

Step 4 - The truth

Truth is a difficult concept. Addicts see “through a glass darkly” and it isn’t just in denial. That would be too easy. I for one must be schizophrenic when it comes to truth. And from what I’ve learned over the last 18 months or so, I am not alone. One part of me obliterates the truth – that Swiss cheese memory I have. Perhaps that is the equivalent of denial that most addicts experience. If I can’t remember it, I don’t have to deal with it. While it is a protection from pain and is very necessary at times, it can get in the way of recovery.

The other part of me sees myself through distorted lenses, turning myself and everything I do into the most monstrous version possible. With both these versions of seeing “through a glass darkly” I have greatly feared Step Four. How can I create my list if I can’t even remember what I did a year ago? How can I repeat if so many of my sins are obliterated by my memory? And how can I forgive myself if the ones I do remember are distorted beyond forgiveness?

Truth means not only facing the reality of our sins, not only acknowledging our weaknesses and admitting our addictions, it also means bringing the boogie-man or the monster down to size. Part of what we learn in group is that we are not so unique after all. The facilitator in our group tells us there is nothing we can tell him that he hasn’t already heard or probably done. Facing the truth means realizing that our addiction is not worse than anyone else’s – that there is no excuse, no reason, no insurmountable trial that no one else has ever faced that makes it okay for us to give in to our addictions. We face the truth and pull our addiction off the pedestal it has been living on. It is not a god that has the right to rule our lives. We simply have chosen to worship it. We gave it its power. Now we have to take its power away.

Until we strip away the lies, the mystery, and the protection that we give our addiction, we are fated to fail. I have tried to deal with my problem many times in the past. Obviously something has not worked or I wouldn’t be here today. I have sincerely mourned and repented and even talked with religious leaders. Tut this is the first time I’ve faced this as an addiction – as something I will have to face and fight for my entire life. That is an important difference and I think that truth is the key to defeating Lucifer.

The funny thing is, addicts have a problem trusting and yet we trust our addiction and therefore we are implicitly trusting Lucifer – the destroyer – the one who tells us that our addictions will make everything right. The truth is that if we would trust the Lord as much as we trusted our addictions (Lucifer), we’d be free.

Step 4 - The hope of recovery

“Recovery” has taken on a whole new meaning for me. A week ago life was normal. Then Gustav started a very steady march toward us. Our city was devastated. We haven’t experienced such devastation since Hurricane Camille – and I wasn’t around then so I’m taking that on faith. 60-70% of the area still doesn’t have power. “Recovery” means taking devastation and bringing life back to normal.

I evacuated before Gustav hit. I’ve been safe and comfortable, far from the heat and damage and lines for gas and food. I’m dreading going home and feeling guilty for being safe. And I have to go home to start recovery.

Suddenly I have gained a new insight into Recovery. As addicts, we tend to be fatalists. We feel we can never beat it. But I’ve come to believe that while there is life, there is hope. I’ve watched New Orleans crawl back from destruction to life. Now my city is beginning the recovery process. We didn’t have the death toll that New Orleans suffered three years ago. But as I’ve talked with my friends that I’ve finally been able to contact, I recognize the strained voices and the frustration and exhaustion that the situation has caused. But I also recognize that they are all alive and moving forward – hot and tired, but alive.

As addicts, we only lose when we give up. Until then, we are working toward recovery. We may stumble. We may lose our path. But unless we give up, we still have hope of recovery.

Step four is painful. Delving into the past; getting to the truth behind our addictions – it’s very much like cleaning away the debris and trees and torn roofs. But we can’t fix anything until we’ve done the clean-up.

Like my city, I am in recovery and I will continue there.