Step 4 - Weakness and strength

There is a scripture that I have come to believe and understand:

“I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

When I was young, I suffered teasing and isolation. I don’t have enough memory to know why I was the bunt of practical jokes or why I had so few friends. I know my mother says she cried often because I would come home from school and hide myself away in my room, crying. What I don’t have are any happy memories of school.

But as I look back at those painful times, I realize that the teasing and isolation that I suffered as a child made me empathetic to the suffering of others – made me desperate to avoid hurting anyone else like I had been hurt. What was a miserable time of my life forged what is probably my best trait. I think this is an example of a weakness becoming strength. If something good can come from that sadness, maybe the Lord really can take what I am going through and turn it around into something good.

When we overcome a weakness, we find the strength that the Lord has planted inside of us; we discover His hand within our lives. It is in the trial of fire that the strength of iron is forged. It is in the season of scarcity that the strength of roots grows deep. It is by facing our weakness and turning to the Lord that He can give us strength.

Step 3 - Becoming as a child

I don’t know about you, but childhood was not the best time of my life. Well, to be accurate, something about my childhood scared the memory right out of me. So “becoming as a child” holds about the same feeling for me as asking my mother, who was extremely claustrophobic, to spend the night in a coffin would have had for her.

Although that isn’t entirely true.

I don’t have many memories of my childhood and just trying to think back gives me panic attacks but there were some precious times. Somehow, with my immediate family, it was safe to be a child. It was with the entire rest of the world that childhood was hell. But even as an adult, there were times when I needed my mother’s arms around me, just to feel safe. Still, other than with my immediate family, becoming vulnerable again is not a pleasant concept.

Unfortunately, once I finally allowed myself to start feeling again, I experienced a lot of anger and much of it was directed at God. That was accompanied by a lot of guilt, because as angry as I was, I still believed in Him and knew that anger was really the wrong emotion to be throwing out at the Creator of the Universe and my Heavenly Father. And just let anyone else say anything bad about Him and it broke my heart. Again, I was one huge dichotomy.

So how do I become a child again – given that I am willing?

• One thing about a child is that they don’t hold grudges. Rain turns to sunshine quickly and forgiveness is only a smile away.
  
• A child trusts implicitly. It is as we grow older that we question whether daddy’s arms will still be there when we jump.
  
• A child loves naturally. Adults teach the child prejudice and fear.
  
• A child submits to the will of the parents. It is as we grow that we become more self-aware and put our wants above our parents will. Sometimes that leads to growth, sometimes to disaster. But then, our parents aren’t perfect.

Other than my grandparents (and I've finally resolved my feelings there), I can’t hold a grudge to save my life. I guess it’s partially because of my lack of memory. Go away for a day and I’ll forget we ever had a problem. Go away for a year and I’ll probably forget I knew you. Sigh.

Okay, trust is my biggest problem, but I am working on that one. So let’s put a big checkmark here and keep coming back to it.

Love is actually one area I do well in. I find it easy to love people. It wasn’t always that way. I didn’t let myself feel anything, let alone love. But now, I find there are very few people I don’t care about.

Submitting to the will of God – sigh – back to the trust issue. I’m really trying. I keep making changes – adjusting as I go along. I hope that God has patience because I haven’t gotten this one right yet.

At least I’m trying. It’s strange; it still comes down to fairies. I am arriving at the point that I can believe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. I understand that to give me agency means to give everyone agency and I’ve come to believe that angels truly were protecting me during the darkest times. Given the sensitivity of my spirit, I would not have survived if they hadn’t been there. But it still comes back to that horrible childhood fear when my magical world of fairies was destroyed.

Still, if I can learn to believe my own spiritual moments of testimony and my own experiences, then maybe I can make the leap of faith and finally trust their love for me and their reality enough to submit my life to their will.

It’s really strange: I know. Now I just have to believe.

Step 2 - Healing

Do you ever feel broken? I do - all the time. I guess that is because I am. But I am beginning to realize that we all are, to some extent. Some of us suffer physical breakage. When I say I am broken, I think I mean my mental health. I am drawn to things that cause me pain and sorrow and loneliness as if they would explain why I already hurt. Those are areas where my soul and my mind need healing, so that I can feel a part of humanity; so that I can feel loved by the Lord.

I need healing to overcome resentment. Sometimes I'm amazed at how much resentment I feel and at how much confusion that resentment causes. As you may have guessed from my previous entries, I'm scared to death of the concept of sex and yet I resent that I can't partake of the "joys" of the flesh because I am single and really do believe that the Lord meant it when He gave the commandment against adultery and fornication. That leaves me on the outside. Of course there is that terror as well. And the guilt for using pain for sexual release to replace them. It is all so confused.

I need healing so that I can feel there is a place for me and a purpose for my existence. I need healing so that I don't feel alone when I am surrounded by people who love me.

You know when you have a cut or a scrape? Your body gets busy and starts healing it. God created a wonderful mechanism for healing. The body stitches away and creates a protective coating we call a scab which covers the area while it heals. Then as the miracle of healing finishes, the scab wears away leaving the healed area exposed.

Not with me. Oh, my body works the way it was intended to work. The fault lays in my impatience or my obsessiveness - one or the other. As soon as the scab starts to form, I start picking at it. I run my fingernail under the edges until it breaks away and eventually the scab gives up and pulls off, leaving my unhealed wound open to the world. My body sighs and tries again. I rip away at the new scab and the battle continues. Eventually my body usually wins, but at a price. I have a much worse scar than I would have had, if only I would have let my body heal at nature's pace. And I never learn. I just can't stand to leave the scab alone.

It's the same way with my mental health. I find it hard to accept healing. I beat myself about the head and shoulders (figuratively at least) and make myself miserable, tearing myself down, minimizing my progress, not allowing myself to feel the happiness that life is offering.

Somehow I need to find joy in my being here on earth. I have joy in my family; but I rail against my circumstances and against whatever it is in me that is so overwhelmed that I seem incapable of doing what others do easily and taking control of those circumstances that seem to take the joy from life - circumstances which I CHOSE, by the way.

I let the trials beat me to a pulp, until I feel incapable of taking any action that would alter the circumstances in a positive way or at least move me forward in the path of those chosen circumstances. Instead of taking control and even enjoying the path I've chosen - a path not many have the opportunity to travel, I feel like I am drowning amidst powerful tides that carry me along.

If I can turn to the Lord, every morning, and make Him my partner in my day, perhaps I can feel the strength of His power enough to heal the wounds that fester because I keep picking at them. Perhaps I can feel his redeeming power enough to resist the moments of temptation and spiritual death that tear me away from my goal.

The last couple of days, I have felt the darkening of depression. I have come to realize that this is one of my major triggers. Knowing that, I realize I need to cling to that healing power right now. As I feel like the waters are starting to rise around me, I must cling with all my faith.

Perhaps I can survive.

Step 2 - The gift of grace

¹⁵ For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
¹⁶ Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

(Hebrews 4:15-16)

Grace is a concept that has given the world many problems - and wars. Grace versus Works seems to be a favorite argument between religions; yet the scriptures state both are required. Maybe that's one thing we addicts do understand better than some. We can't do it alone, but we still have to do our part.

My addiction recovery book quotes a bible dictionary's definition of grace:

"divine means of help or strength" given through
the "bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ"

Basically, what I get out of that is that, once we've done what we can, His grace is there to lift us up and take us the rest of the way: IF WE ARE WILLING TO LEAN ON HIM.

I don't know about any of the rest of you, or even if there is anyone else reading this, but I am like a pendulum. I swing from one side to the other, as radically as gravity and momentum will allow.

When I was young, there was a commercial on television. I don't remember it clearly (thanks to my Swiss-cheese memory) but the tag line was "Grandpa, I'd rather do it myself!" That's me. I'm there standing under the open heavens, thumping my chest and declaring that I can do this all myself. I have to be able to - after all, that's why I came to earth: to prove myself.

Then the pendulum swings. (I could sing an old song here but I'll let you off the hook.)

And there I am in a heap on the ground, unable to even look up. "I can't do it. I want this to be over. I've failed so badly already. Can't you take the trial away? I'm turning it over to you now. Wake me up when it's over."

Somewhere there is a point of balance: when we've done all we can and the Savior's Grace takes over.

I felt it once that I can remember. Maybe that's why I need to do this blog. So that I won't forget.

Usually when things get bad, an addict turns to their addiction. This year I lost my mother. (I've talked about it in prior posts so, once again, feel free to avoid Twilight Zone moments by hitting my archives.)

Amazingly, when mom died, I felt there was a period of time when I was protected from my addiction because the temptations were not even there at the time when I was at my lowest. For once in my life, Grace literally lifted me away from my addiction at a time when I would have been incapable of dealing with it.

That protection was not permanent and once I was back on my feet, I had to deal with temptation, addiction, falling, and getting back up. But I learned one thing that I knew but didn't believe before. The Savior really was there for me.

Right now, though I still fear falling, I am more at peace and feel a greater sense of forgiveness than I have in a very long time.

I think there is a great misunderstanding of Grace. It isn't just the result of words. It requires us to do all we can; then the Savior will help us to do more than we could - He will do what we cannot. But Grace doesn't mean that He will do what we WILL NOT DO.

Whenever I think I can't go a step further and then I do go just one more step, that is when, without maybe realizing it, I have just partaken of Grace.

Step 2 - The Savior's compassion

Wow. Isn't it amazing how easy it is to get off track? Okay, I've had a great excuse. I was 1/2 a continent away from home, attending a conference, without a computer, etc. etc. etc. But as I sit here focusing on this entry, I realize that it wasn't just my blog that suffered. Sure, I only got two entries last week, but I WAS majorly busy. It just hit me though that, although I took my scriptures with me, I never read them. I've completely blown my entire pattern and I'm sitting up at 2:30 am trying to do yesterday's blog which means I'm throwing off my sleep pattern again.

One step forward, five steps back.

I have to stand in absolute awe of the Lord's patience. I certainly don't have as much patience with myself as He seems to. Sometimes I have wished that the Lord would just go ahead and damn me and get it over with. But in my heart, I know He still hasn't. I must know that deep inside or I would have given up trying long ago and let my addiction have reign. Since I still fight the battle, picking myself up, I must still have hope in the Atonement - in repentance and forgiveness.

But how do I comprehend laying my sins - my addiction - upon the Savior's back and then looking into His eyes at the judgment day?

To each addict, their addiction is the worst. I'm no different. My addiction is not a physical addiction but moral corruption. I think I could bear the thought of physical addiction better. But then, as they say, the grass is always greener...

This has been one of the hardest things for me - to turn to the Lord for compassion and forgiveness: not because I don't believe He is willing to give it but because I can't bear to face Him when I realize that the suffering He felt in the Garden of Gethsemane was for my addiction.

In my worst moments, I have been in the depths of a black hole as powerful as any in nature. The thought that I have laid that very suffering on Him, is horrible. How do I face Him who knows perfectly my darkest moments - who has suffered the pain of those moments?

I guess it all comes down to being able to forgive myself. Because until we forgive ourselves, we don't really believe that God/a Power Greater than Ourselves can restore us.

Whether it is emotional trauma, addiction, or anger, there must come a time when we let go of the past and "get over it." Really, that is a problem with some therapy: we wallow too long in the pain until it swallows us. I was blessed. My therapists delved long enough to find the pain and then focused on getting past it rather than wallowing in it. Even then it has taken a long time. With addiction, we have to do the same.

Keep moving forward. When we stumble (and we will) get up, and start moving forward again. Don't focus on the failures. Focus on getting back on track.

I'm getting up in the morning and starting my routine again. I will not beat myself about the head and shoulders. I will get back on track before my slipping causes me to derail.

As is always true, tomorrow begins a new day.